Got ish? Our girl Tionna Tee Smalls, a noted blogger and author, is here to advise you. Ask away! This week, Tionna heard from some people who can't get over the past.
I am a 23-year-old guy who has been struggling with something. While all my friends have always seemed to end up on "bad" (that is, non-hanging out, if not non-speaking, terms) with their ex-girlfriends, the exact opposite is true for me. I have remained very good friends with the three women I've had significant relationships with. This may seem nice at first glance, but I ask you, Tionna, if this is actually just a pathetic mistake. Why would I say this? Because even though I wouldn't call any of my exes true bitches, all three of them chose to break up with me—they were the ones with power, treating me poorly (left me for other guys, etc)—and never the other way around. My guy friends think I'm a fool.
And by the way, I am all for turning the other cheek (I consider myself a good person), and I do like these girls on a non-sexual level, but I have to admit that the main motivation for continuing these friendships has always been physical. In fact, I have ended up having intimate "relations" (OK, sex) with all three exes after we broke up (and after they left the guys they left me for); both in the form of one-night things, as well as more friends-with-benefits type situations. Right now, though, I am getting nothing, we are still good friends that talk/hang out, and it's 100% their choice as to what happens.
Tionna, what do you think? Am I an idiot for still being so close with them? The potential for hooking up again or maybe even restarting something greater has been too convenient and alluring to pass up. I have a good job, a good education, but I can't help but feel like a loser owned by his exes.
Reluctant To Move On
P.S. You are the best advice columnist I've ever read. Best decision Gawker ever made.
Dear Reluctant to Move On,
Thank you for calling me the best advice columnist ever but baby, you are being a fool. I totally agree with your friends. These chicks are using you because you are a nice guy. It's like this: if they could have all the same benefits of being your friend as they did when they were your girlfriend then why not do it while they sit there and bone other guys (you get it?) The problem isn't the fact that you befriend your exes because believe me, you should be nice to your ex, it's the mature thing to do but this is way out of hand. And these chicks run in packs- they see you be friends with the first ex and then the second, and the using cycle keeps going on and on. Trust.
I don't know about you babes, but I don't like when people mistreat me so why would you befriend these exes if they treated you so bad while you guys were in a relationship? If they weren't cool when you were in a relationship with them chances are they aren't cool now. It seems like you have a problem letting go of the past and moving on. I have a question for you, how do you expect to get a nice girl who wants to take you seriously if you keep on befriending these chicks. The rule of exes is be friendly not friends because most exes consider themselves friends because they still are reaping the benefits. That's the problem too. Having sex with your exes is good for them and totally wrong for you. It's good for them because they get to be intimate with someone they boned already, so its like they are not losing anything, besides, exes like you are what we consider as safe. It's bad for you because feelings get involved and you don't know when to cut that cord because you are still hitting that.
They are basically using you as the escape goat. Its like my man is acting up or he dumped me or I am lonely, let me call my ex, he will answer. You understand??? Then you said right now you are not getting anything because its their choice, I see if you had enough game to get some of that whenever you want then it will be an asset to you but right now their friendship is a liability my friend. The bad thing is that you are not even being friends with them because you want to, you're being friends with them only because you think that you are going to reconnect or rekindle an old flame (basically get some ass). As I wrote in my book, "Girl, Get Your Mind Right!"—sex is mental and you can't let it control you or your actions—you have to see past the coochie. Seriously.
Like you said, you have a good job and an education; you don't have to settle for being duped by these exes. I think you should take some time out for yourself and figure out why you got into all of this mess with these trifling women and then go out and get you someone that is for you and that wants to be your bread and butter honey. In other words, leave those scallywags alone! Remember you are a good man who is not to be used by anyone... Foreal.
Your favorite advice columnist in the whole entire world
I never thought that I would be so down that I would write into an advice column. Here is my problem (I have to change some things around because someone, or even you will figure out who I am):
About a year or so ago I was kind of well known and a little popular, but now I've fallen off. Granted, I have stopped going the places that I used to go, but I feel like an outcast because no one talks to me anymore (I don't even get comments on MySpace). I know you'll say that I shouldn't worry about other people and I should do me, and what not, but I thrive off of attention. I'm not self-loathing or anything like that, but i was never popular in HS so my pseudopopularity kinda gave me a taste of the high school life that I never had. So my question is this: what can I do to get back in the loop? I know that I can start going to places that I went and I can mingle and such, but a lot of people have left a bad taste in my mouth because of them not attending an event that I was a part of last year. Like Karrine Steffans said in her book (which was horrible by the way), no one wants to hear, "didn't you used to be somebody"?
I'm not from this city, so it's not like I have hordes of people that I was cool with prior to my popularity. I kinda worked my way into the scene... I didn't know anyone when I moved here...
Thanks in advance,
No Longer An It Girl....
Dear No Long an It Girl,
I know how it feels to be an outcast and to feel like all of your friends just dropped off the face of the earth. It happened to me! (Damn, what hasn't happen to me?) Before I wrote my book, I hung out with a whole bunch of females that were considered popping. As time went on I became more serious with my goals and hate drove us all apart. So I know how it feels to start back to square 1.
You also said that in high school you weren't very popular and that's why sometime now you need attention. One thing I must tell you is, don't make excuses for needing attention because believe it or not, everyone needs attention. I would be mad too if I was the "it" girl then one day I woke up and had no emails or comments on Myspace. It will bother a lot of other people too so don't beat yourself up about it. Another thing is, you can't live your life off of what you didn't have in high school. You have to work on moving on from that time. So what you weren't popular? Imagine if you had been, you would have even more problems than you do now. Yeah you would of have had the "has been" disease. So brush that ish off, immediately.
I don't know why but it seems like something in this email is missing; for example, what happened that made people not like you? Like did a certain situation go down with one girl and then everything went downhill from there? Like what exactly happened that made you turn from a hero to a zero in other people's eyes? That's the first question you must ask and answer for yourself. I personally think that not being in the loop is one of the best things that could ever happen to you because maybe it was time for you to create your own social scene. Maybe before you were just an accessory in someone else's world and now it's time to make it your own. Just like when my ex-friends and I separated; I felt bad but then I said fuck it, they are out of my life for a reason. And that reason was so I could grow as a person and meet other new and exciting people. Yeah they were starting to bore me...
I took that time of being socially alone and rebuilt myself and my surroundings. I looked into myself and figured out what happened with my old associates and what I did wrong in the situation. In my situation, it was my mouth. Most of my friends couldn't deal with my personality. I was the type of girl that if you asked me a question, I would tell you the truth no matter how bad it made you feel and a lot of people can't handle that. So oh well, friendships are like relationships, you have to hang around people who love you for you. Hell, it's their loss.
You are right, I do think that you shouldn't worry about other people and go out there and do your thang but I know that that is easier said then done. I think you should just think about it like this. Forget all of the bullcrap from the past and meet brand new people. Hey, you can even start on Myspace or go join an organization that interests you. Meeting new people will help you start all over and then go out there and do you. So what they didn't come to an event you were throwing last year, get over it! No one owes you anything. You're starting to sound like an ex friend of mine who cursed everybody out and sent F-U letters to everyone who didn't attend her graduation party. That is childish. You said that the people you once hung out with left a nasty taste in your mouth, so you don't need to be back hanging out with them anyway.
Believe me, once they see you got your swagger back and got yourself a new and improved crew, they will be dying to get back into your world (whether they admit it or not)... And if none of this works, come hang out with me and my new crew.
P.S. You definitely need some friends when you start quoting Superhead (that means you have too much time on your hands, lol).