Don't Get Mad, Gisele Bundchen: Get Pregnant!

The date: October 15th

The time: 8 p.m

The place: 259 W. 4th Street

Sighted: "I saw Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady this Monday at Extra Virgin and they were fighting. Everybody was looking at them, until Gisele left Tom at the table—seated alone! Drama!"

The sun may be setting on the fairy-tale love story of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen. Born out of the football-player's maybe-cheating on impregnated girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, the Tom-Gisele union seemed destined to succeed, and it appeared that at last these two deserving individuals had finally found a love true and pure.

And yet recently, preoccupied with the rigors of his new ad campaign for sleazebag cowboy cologne Stetson (not to be confused with Shania by Stetson) and busy with the new son that he never sees, Tom appears to be losing interest in his Victoria's Secret girlfriend. The luster of banging an aging supermodel has understandably worn thin, and the time has come to trade in for a younger and thinner model who preferably speaks better English.

Sensing her man slipping away, Gisele at first tried to play nice with Bridget and curry Tom's favor by thoughtfully sending Bridget a onesie for the bastard child that said "Supermodel" on it. But as the public fights with Tom continued, Gisele knew that she was at a crossroads with only two options—either get plastic surgery or get pregnant. Indeed, every self-respecting woman knows that the best way to keep a man who is slipping away is to juice up the implants, fake a miscarriage, or up the ante and really get pregnant. But while plastic surgery is forever, pregnancy is fleeting and children can be ignored. If Gisele wants to keep her man, it's time to go fishing—fishing in the trash for used condoms, that is. It didn't work for Bridget, but the second time's the charm.

Since Gisele is a savvy businesswoman, as evinced by her line of gorgeous peasant sandals, odds are she'll shrewdly choose the pregnancy route that will at least temporarily prolong her relationship with Tom. While this spells good news for Gisele, it is bad news for the American—we taxpayers who must shoulder the burden of yet another unwed mother draining our welfare system. .