The Search Begins For Hollywood's Next Top P.R. Assistant

As part of our ongoing mission to connect our readers with exciting opportunities to wear kicky headsets, hold a clipboard, and stand at the entrance of Les Deux, ready to stun-gun the first uninvited star of Sunset Tan who tries to breach the last line of defense at a Sidekick launch party, we are happy to pass along this Craigslist ad seeking an amazing mulititasker willing to sacrifice her life for a chance to learn the dark Hollywood-publicity arts. A warning before you begin reading: don't even THINK about applying if you don't have the energy level a coked-up TGI Friday's hostess and the steely nerves of a fifteen-year bomb squad veteran:

Entertainment Public Relations Assistant BEFORE YOU READ: You MUST live in the Los Angeles area NOW! Offices are in West Hollywood/Beverly Hills. THE POSITION: Need to hire very personable, outgoing, freindly and very intelligent, public relations assistant/receptionist to work for the owner and account executives of a medium size celebrity/entertainent, hip, young PR company/agency in West Hollywood who is amazing with people and more amazing on phones. Must be able to do 100 things at the same time, if not more, handle a very busy schedule efficiently, master heavy calls and call logs, juggle countless invitations and premiere listings and be amazing on the phones, etc. It's an overwhelmingly busy, REALLY DEMANDING, hectic atmosphere!!! Did I mention it is a busy place???? Last 5 assistants could not handle the pressure. Hours are long plus weekends and nights to cover red carpets and events. If you are not serious about a life in publicity with actors and celebrities, this is not the job for you!!!!! The up side? Huge room for growth! PLEASE REREAD THIS AD BEFORE APPLYING!! THE JOB IS ONLY FOR HIGH ENERGY, EXTREMELY HARD WORKING, SMART APPLICANTS! Please submit cover letter as to why you want the job as well as your resume.
Again, and we can't stress this enough: READ IT AGAIN BEFORE APPLYING!!! And even if you think you're ready for red carpet duty, consider the fate of Failed Assistant Number Three, who tried to drown herself in a chocolate fountain after a premenstrual Eva Longoria called her "a fucking fat cow-bitch" when she tried to politely tell the actress that she could not leave the ALMA awards after-party with the fifteen gift bags she was carrying.