Students at a Westchester middle school accidentally received a sex ed lesson that was informative, helpful, and totally awesome. Kids were given a brochure that "included material on oral and anal sex and how lesbians can protect themselves from HIV," and now all those annoying commuter parents are outraged and shocked. Thousands of childhoods sullied by descriptions of assplay!
"At the dinner table, he announces, 'Today at school I learned that oral sex is safer than anal sex,' " said Johnson, 53, a writer who has two other children in the school district. "This is a kid who hasn't even been on a date yet, or had a first kiss, as far as I know."
But that's important, relevant information! Especially now that 8th grade girls across the nation are all now giving out blowjobs like Spiderman valentines in the days of yore. Surely Mr. Johnson doesn't want these girls to try anal instead? Save something for Sadie Hawkins!
Another page—the one about hot, safe girl-on-girl action—"featured an illustration of a woman spinning jubilantly in plastic wrap." Which, admittedly, is pretty kinky for 13. Possibly. We can't really picture it, actually. Illustrations would be helpful!
The brochures came from the Westchester Department of Health (who have apparently hired Ulrich Haarburste), but because phys ed teachers are still inexplicably in charge of sex education, it was the school's athletic director who was forced to apologize to parents outraged that their innocent 13-year-old children suddenly learned that sometimes girls rotate excitedly in cling-film.