His Steveness did not bid you speak

Another excerpt from Options, the fictional novel by Fake Steve Jobs poser Dan Lyons.

She's well aware of our company policy regarding which people can speak to me and under what circumstances. We have ten tiers of access, arranged by rank — the highest people can speak to me by appointment, the mid-tiers can speak to me when I've spoken to them first, and the lowest can never speak to me, and in fact can be fired for trying to speak to me or even for speaking to other people in my presence. Those executives who are allowed to speak to me can do so only during certain time periods, which are arranged into a kind of matrix (certain people have access to more time periods than others) which is available to all of them under iCal under my public folder. It's right there; just sign in, click on my folder, and boom, you can see whether you're allowed to speak to me at the present time, and if not, you can see when your next available window will be. Right now I'm in total black-out mode. No one at Apple is ever allowed to interrupt me when I'm meditating, or doing yoga or tai chi, or getting my weekly high colonic. And when I say never, I mean never. Like, if there's an earthquake, or a fire, leave the building and I'll figure it out for myself.