Why Will No One Live With Michelle And Emily In Astoria?

Call it what you will—Live with a Douche or Live with a Sadult—but Craigslist is a treasure trove not just of places to live but of places not to live. In this edition, we meet Michelle and Emily, two Queens-living young ladies who just can't figure out why their roommates keep leaving them.

First the good news. There are two rooms available in the four-room apartment: one small, one large. The smaller one goes for $550 and the larger for $800. Not bad at all! They've both got hardwood floors or, as the ladies say, "both rooms are hardwooders." And—oh, well, that might be it for the good news.

Who are Emily and Michelle? Kookily, the describe each other! Tres adorable!:

Michelle as seen by emily:

"shes the kind of roomate who doesnt care when she finds out you go in to her room to read when shes not home. She sleeps a lot, and she looks good. Sometimes she brings home chips, those are good days. Sometimes she eats all my ice cream and hides the container under the couch, bad days"

Emily as seen by Michelle:

"Lover of giant penis's. smeller of clothes. This girl has got it going on."

And what should you be like? Let's start with what you shouldn't be like:



* do not bring a hutch

* do not leave us in six months for a job in chicago... ahem.. previous owner of grand daddy

* do not get married and expect us to adjust

* do not pretend to be cool when we look through all the papers in your room and know youre on probation and use a weird contraceptive gel.

* do not use the condoms on the dining room table

* do not expect your food/juice to stay around

* enjoy cheese

Under DOs is this:

A knowledge of how to fix everything (ie. michelles bed is broken, this laptop is missing keyboard, internet is being stolen from upstairs, we need new songs on our ipods, main bathroom sink wont drain, michelle tried to throw out her penguin bathrobe, emilys curtain keeps falling down, kitchen table is screwy, spot on floor from nail polish remover, bugs in cupboard again..(michelle just learned this as emily typed it and is sad), ice trays taste like pasta sauce, 5 air conditioners need taken out, douglas doesnt come over anymore, the lights keep flickering, the garbage outside is too far from the door so you have to bring your key, and its annoying because is 3 steps from being close enough to not have to bring your key and sometimes the screen door stays open for you so you dont have to use the key, but then it closes when you grab it to open the door and its really sad, theres a big no smoking sign in chinese in the living room, michelles hair straighter is broken, emilys candle is almost out, the hall closet is nuts!, emilys planks under her bed fall out, we're almost out of swiffer wetjet refills, all sheets need washed, etc.)

*must be able to stay up late, get wasted and cry about childhood

* must have endless supply of commercials to show us

Someone please cut these girls off from their coke dealer. They've had enough.

$550 / 1br - our roomates are dropping like flies