Today's Science Times special section is all about this crazy new thing that all the kids are trying—"sleep." Maybe you experimented with "sleep" in college, one crazy unremembered weekend? Hell, maybe you skipped work once and spent a whole day trying it? While reliable numbers are hard to come by, most New Yorkers have tried sleep at least once. But as the Science section proves, none of you are doing enough of it which is why you're all such miserable bastards all the time.
Let's take a quick look at the many sciencey sleep stories about the science of sleeping, scientifically:
- You might actually remember shit if you slept once in a while!
- Ha ha those overpriced drugs you're taking are basically $3.50 sugar pills, except one of them will make you sleep-drive sometimes, which is kinda cool.
- As you get old and sick, you will have even less satisfactory sleep, and you will complain about it all the damn time, to sleep researchers, who are now the only ones still willing to listen to you.
- Don't worry! Your unimaginably horrific nightmares are normal! After all, "as a host of studies have shown, most of our dreams are bad." Just like our jobs and lives!
- Uh, something about birds.
- And narcoleptic fish??
- Bartlett's has the following quotations related to "sleep"...
- You have not been getting enough sleep since you were like three years old, you poor depressed sucker.
- You have a stupid, needy baby and you are an immoral weakling for allowing it to sleep with you.