Got ish? Our advice columnist, the noted blogger and author Tionna Tee Smalls, is here to help you confront it all head-on. In this edition, Tionna takes on an unpleasant odor. Those who are for whatever reason phobic about frank discussions regarding women's health should consider themselves warned.
I've encountered a slightly embarrassing conundrum that I'm not exactly sure how to handle. In simple terms, my ex-boyfriend is a total cumdump. Our break-up was fairly messy, and the whole situation/shitshow has continued to escalate over the past few months. The problem is, we are friends with a lot of the same people. So, this past weekend I was at a friend's birthday party and sure enough, Cumdump was there. I tried my best to avoid him but to no avail, and we got into a pretty big public dispute in front of all of our friends. This is where it gets good (or bad, for me). He yelled out in front of everyone that my pussy stank (among other profanities and insults). My problem is, my pussy really did stink at one point in our relationship because, unbeknownst to me, I had Bacterial Vaginosis (however, I did figure there was something wrong because my vag smelled like get-the-fuck-out, but I didn't have it diagnosed until a little while later. Yeah...I know...kinda gross.) Anyways, how do I handle this situation? I mean, I don't want everyone to think that my beautiful cunt smells...even though it did at one point.
Any advice? Should I pour acid in his lube and call it even? Spread rumours that his cock and balls smell like a mix of sweat, cheese and feet? Or go the "mature" route and pretend I don't give a shit?
My Vagina's Feelings Are Hurt
Dear My Vagina's Feelings Are Hurt,
This has to be the funniest letter that we have received as of yet. It's funny but it is a very real thing for women all across America. Lots of women go through this situation but they are too afraid to ask for advice when they are put in this situation but kudos to you, you weren't afraid. As always, I am here to help you. They don't call me the Hood Psychologist for nothing.
Now let me get this straight, you and your ex-boyfriend broke up on bad terms yet you guys have mutual friends. So recently you guys had an argument at a party and he blurted out in front of everyone that your coochie smelled a hot ass mess. And you admit that it did because you had BV unbeknownst to you. Wowzers. No, I don't find this gross. First of all, every woman has an off day down there whether they know it or not, so this is perfectly normal. It is also very normal especially in the hood that when you get in an argument with a person that you had sexual relations with, they always go for the gusto and say that your catbag stinks. So lucky for you, most of the people there are going to think that he said that just to embarrass you. If you look clean and they never witnessed the smell for themselves, they won't believe him.
But let me tell you a little something about BV. BV is one of the worse infections your vagina could ever experience; it makes you smell like a big, old, dirty plastic garbage pail. The smell is so bad that you have to walk around with your legs closed because you can smell it through your jeans. And I give it to you, the smell goes away sometimes so you don't really know that you have an infection but you have to be on top of your game and be the first one to smell yourself. You knew when you went and took a piss in the morning, something was smelling foul and right there and then, you should have took a trip to the good old GYN and found out what the hell was going on because your vagina is your center. Always remember that.
And let's just say that you couldn't make it that day, You were supposed to definitely refrain from sexual activity until you found out what the hell that smell was. So I blame that on you for him actually finding out. Because guys are like this, if one day you smell a little questionable, they will think ok, maybe her friend just left or maybe she didn't get in the shower before I got here. See, they will give you the benefit of a doubt. We all do. How many times have you went down on guy and his sack smelled a little tart? You feel me. You're not going to sit there the first time and say that he is a dirty person. No, you are going to wait for the second time and if it smells a little funky again, then you brand that person as a stink ass. So this guy had to smell that rotten smell so much that the day you guys had that argument, he just had to tell the world.
I am kind of glad you guys broke up because what real man would sit there and let you funk up the place. I die laughing when guys say that they went down on a woman even though she smelled. Like are you that desperate for sex? Come on. Note to any man that I may have sex with in the future, if I am smelling like the fish market hasn't been mopped in days, let me know. Don't let me get caught out there.
But don't worry; I have some surefire ways that you will never get caught out there smelling a hot mess again.
The first thing you must do is wash that coochie good. Don't be all cute and throw some soap and water down there and think it's clean. No, you have to open them lips up. Put some bodywash on that rag (yes, please bathe with a wash rag, that's the only way to get the nooks and crannies out the coochie) and YOU GO TO WORK; in and out and all over the town. Like I told my girls at camp, you go in and out of that cooch 40 times- count if it helps you. If you are a thick one like myself, lift that leg up and go to work. My second surefire way to a nice smelling cooch is to not let a person touch it who has not washed their hands. You ever drove home from a date with your boo and he is driving and he tries to touch you down there with his fingers? Freaky right? Wrong. He is driving, so all the dirt from that steering wheel is going down there and the dirt turns into bacteria and trigger off your PH and that's how you get infections like BV and it can make matters worse. He want to get all freaky, make sure he has some sanitizer, because it's your privacy and you have to be the person who make sure it's protected. Why you think they have the finger condoms? Hello.
The next thing you can do is, especially if you are recovering from an infection down there, is to carry some wet wipes with you. I'm not talking about the ones they make for women, use baby wipes. If those wipes can clean a shitty baby, it could do wonders for you. Just put those wipes in a ziplock bag and place it in your purse and when you know you are going to get freaky, excuse yourself to the bathroom and wipe it off and flush. Try not to pee after this point. No one wants to smell or taste someone who just pissed. Believe me! I hope every woman reading this remember this because this will help them so they wont be in the same situation as yourself.
Remember that you are your own worst critic, sometimes you have to TEST YOUR STUFF FOR YOURSELF. Place your finger down there and sniff. If it don't smell good to you, it damn sure won't smell good to him. That's my motto. And you guys out there, you know how they say at the New York Transit Authority, "If you see something, say something", well Tionna is going to change it up in Gawker terms for all the advice seekers out there: IF YOU SMELL SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING. Most women are pleasers and we would like your sexual experience to be as lovely as possible so please help us out. And with that being said, I will do the same. So you men out there better watch your balls, and wash your balls (wow, that should be this week's t-shirt)... You should also make sure that your partner is very clean because his dirty dingoling could have triggered your infection as well. And make sure you don't wear dirty underwear. Remember that your vagina is like luxury, it needs a lot of care and maintenance. It's a warm and aquatic place, so it needs your love.
I overall think that you should deny the shit out of his claims and just leave it alone. Leaving it alone will just make him seem like the bitter one and would have you smelling like roses (no pun intended). I sure hoped this helped you...
Still have questions? Ask Tionna! Also, Tionna will give live advice at Paris Commune this Sunday the 28 at 8:00 pm, don't miss it!