FEMA All-Star Michael Brown Has Publicist, Is Ready To Share Wisdom

5W, the world's greatest ever PR firm in the history of PR firms (headed by hot bachelor Ronn Torossian) would like to pitch you the best damn disaster and recovery expert working (or "consulting") today: former FEMA director Michael "Brownie" Brown, the man who single-handedly saved New Orleans. In the dark days of Hurricane Katrina, as various black people looted things and Alex Chilton went missing, America stood as one with our President in praising Brownie's "heck of a job." And Ronn has not forgotten!

Michael Brown's heartwarming journey began when he was dismissed from his position as Commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association and was promptly appointed to FEMA by his friend Joe Allbaugh, who had been named director because of his experience running Bush's campaign. Brown's impressive ability to lie on his resume—and Congress's not giving a shit about the non-terror-related bits of the Homeland Security Department—ensured his quick confirmation upon being named director himself in 2003.

And Brownie proved his worth with his quick response to Hurricane Katrina's August 29, 2005 landfall, immediately emailing complaints to his friends on his BlackBerry and ignoring the offers of help that were coming in from cities across the nation. He bravely told emergency service personnel from other cities not to come into the New Orleans to help, and then went on TV to blame all the black people who he claimed not to know were stranded in the Convention Center without food or water for not evacuating when they were all told to get in their magical invisible unicorn-drawn wagons and get out of town.

Eventually he resigned in disgrace and now Ronn Torossian wants you to book him on your television or radio program to talk about how all the California wildfires were started by hippies.

"Brown believes 'greenies' thwarted the 'controlled burns' that are needed to thin the California hills," he apparently told Neil Cavuto the other day. Oh, if only he could've stopped Al Gore's "greenies" from creating that hurricane, he might still be in a position to help California recover.

Michael Brown is a man who desperately needs a good flack, and we think Ronn Torossian just might have what it takes to make America fall in love with Brownie all over again. Ronn's blog already has some presumably hard-earned wisdom that we're sure the new Brownie would agree with:

SPEED MATTERS...
When someone calls you - Call them right back. When something is needed, DO IT NOW. Often times, my speed responding amazes people - and we push our staff to do things quickly. Timing matters... Don't waste time.... You'd be amazed how much more efficient and successful you will become.
Ronn's right. Whether it's calling Neil Cavuto's booker back or coordinating the government's response to the predicted failure of the levees in and eventual total drowning of one of the nation's most treasured and historic cities, speed matters.

Would it be too much to ask if Ronn could get Brownie on ANDERSON COOPER 360°?

5W Pitches 'Brownie' [O'Dwyer PR]