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I need some help on getting my head straight. I've been seeing this guy (I'll call him Dan) for about four years, and I am completely crazy about him. I mean, I still crush on him like mad, and I really do wake up every day and think, "How the fuck did I luck out like this?!" He is just super awesome.
Here's my problem: We've been friends for a little over ten years, and at the very beginning of our romantic relationship, when things were kinda starting to go in that direction we used to have these long heart to heart talks. You know the kind I mean. Well, sometimes we would have them when we were both a little (ok, sometimes a LOT) drunk, and he said a few things that I just can't seem to let go of.
A couple years before we got together, he used to go out with this girl. I'll call her Jane. She was the first (and only, at that point) girl he was ever really in love with, and she did him really wrong. She cheated
on him with his then best friend, and a couple other guys, and basically stomped all over his heart for fun. So when we were getting together, he used to talk about her, I guess because he wasn't all the way over it, and we were falling in love and he was scared and shit.
But the shit he used to say would break my heart, and it still does. He would just go on and on about how beautiful she was, and how he never felt like he deserved her, and how awesome she was to fuck, shit like that. I mean, just so you know, he would never say shit like that now that we are together, but this was when we were just starting to hook up. I mean,he's not a dick, trying to make me jealous or anything. I had a crush on him at the time, though, and it hurt me really bad when he would say that stuff, but I never said so, because I wanted to be a friend to him, and let him get his feelings out. But I just. cannot. get. over it.
The thing is, on paper, she is waaay better than me. I'm cute, but this girl is like, model gorgeous. And I'm just a wage slave, but she's a doctor. And my boy, Dan, should really be out of my league, anyway. I just always think, "He would rather be with her, or a girl like her. That's what he deserves" And I used to think, hey, it's a new relationship, you're just insecure, give it time, but I HAVE and it's been almost four years, and I still want to puke whenever I think about her (And I think about her a /lot/. Like, whenever I get sad, I will sit and obsess over every little thing he said back then, and make myself
sick I feel like a nut).
Or, like, the other day Dan saw a girl on TV talking, and he said, "she seems smart" and she kinda looked like Jane. And I kept my shit together, but I don't know. It really bugged me. I couldn't sleep that night, I just lay there thinking, "He still wants her. He's going to leave me." And the thing is, I am NOT the jealous type at all, I never have been, but I just like him so much. I know, in my head, that he loves me, and we are happy, and I need to let this go because it is stupid. He even saw her a couple months ago, and I could tell he didn't give a fuck. But in my heart, I think, this guy is so great, you don't deserve him, he is going to break your heart.
Tionna, please help me. How can I stop being so insecure about this? I just love him so much, I feel like my heart is laid open, and I am so afraid of him hurting me.
Stupid and Jealous
Dear Stupid and Jealous,
This letter made me smile for so many reasons. I am going to help you with this situation because insecurity is a thing that many people go through in their relationship. The first thing I must tell you is that I loved the fact that you wake up and ask yourself how did you get so lucky to have a man like that. I think that is beautiful when anyone feel that way about their mate.
Now let's get down to the nitty gritty.
When you and your boyfriend were just kicking it, you guys sat down and had heart to hearts (how sweet?). And he told you about this great chick that he loved to bone and how good she was as a woman (blah blah, blah). This was a long time ago but you still think about what he said and you think about this woman too. The first advice I must give you is, you have to get yourself together and stop thinking about the next chick because believe me, the next chick isn't thinking about you. If she was so freaking great he would still be with this woman but he's not so that says a lot right there. Oh please? You are the one who got the man. So what you're not a doctor; one's profession don't make them or break them. I know a lot of people who have great professions but have terrible souls. So freaking what?
And while we are on the subject, let's talk about your job. If you feel like you are a "wage slave", why don't you step your game up and get your career together! You wouldn't be intimidated by homegirl's job so much if you had something going on for yourself. I think you should truly wake up and find something that you are interested in doing for the long run especially if you feel that the guy you are with is way above you as well. I would never want to feel that way about a man and I don't want you to feel that way either.
Another thing I want you to know is, don't feel bad that he still thinks about Jane. So what? Everyone always think about the person who has done them dirty. It's sad but most people always love the person who shitted on them. Believe that. Maybe he felt that Jane was more of a challenge than you are. Here's some food for thought: You can't let your admiration for him be so obvious.
One thing that really made me disappointed in you is the fact that you said that you are cute but this girl is model-gorgeous. I don't care how this woman looks; you never downplay yourself for no one. You have to feel like no one is fucking with you regardless. Sure I have cellulite and may be 30 pounds overweight (ok, 50 pounds) but I walk with pride and I feel like I am the best thing smoking when I leave my house. And besides girlfriend, beauty is only skin deep. She probably isn't even all of that, it's just you feel that she is more popping than you are based on what he has said about her.
So girl the first thing we have to work on is your confidence, you have to build that up. I could tell you need to work on that by the way you describe yourself. Calling yourself a "wage slave" is not the move, babes. I also don't like that you say that he deserves better, if that's the case then maybe you two shouldn't be together. How can we believe you're right for him, if you don't believe it yourself? Feel me.
It just sounds like to me that you feel really intimidated by both Dan and Jane based on the things that you are lacking within yourself. And you are not being fair to you or Dan. So what he said—the lady on TV sounded smart—maybe he was dropping your ass a hint that it's time to enroll back in school or something. I think since you heard the word "smart", you automatically connected that back to what he told you about Jane.
Yeah, that's what you did.
Girl, I think if you get some swagger and upgrade yourself, everything will work out for you. And you will feel better about not only this situation but other situations to come. Who gives a damn about Jane? She's the past, you are the future. Hell, you probably think about her more than he does, so Girl, Get Your Mind Right! Seriously.
Another thing I have to let you know is, don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, discuss your jealousy of Jane to your man. Because I don't care how good of dude he is, this would be something he can throw back in your face later on and that right there will hurt you the most. So remember that and you will be the winner at the end of the day. I hope this all works out for you,