The date: October 22nd
The time: 3 p.m.
The place: 50th Street at Broadway
Sighted: "Spotted Steve Guttenberg on 50th between 7th and Broadway with an entourage. The Ghostbuster was rocking a blazer and dark black aviators. Looked tan and in great shape."
Few industry insiders could have foreseen the devastating and far-reaching impact of the subprime mortgage market crash. Second Avenue hellhole Brother Jimmy's is now at capacity on Tuesday nights, a direct result of the layoffs of thousands of douchebankers and hedgeturds. The market for summer 2008 Hamptons shares is stagnant. Hundreds of hastily-bought iPhones are being returned for cash refunds.
But perhaps most alarmingly, there has been a disturbing trend of washed up 80s and early 90s celebrities forced out of forced retirement and reappearing on prime time television. In this Halloween edition of Stalk of the Town, we explore the resurrection of celebrities whose careers have been raised from the dead and answer the burning question on everyone's mind—why the hell does Steve Guttenberg have an entourage?
One has only to watch any of the major networks during prime time to realize that nearly all of the "hit" shows are populated by moving picture forefathers including Bob Sagat, Howie Mandel and AC Slater.
I repeat: HOWIE MANDEL HOSTS A SHOW WHERE THEY OPEN BRIEFCASES.
This is unacceptable. Why hasn't anyone said anything? The elephant in the room is that these has-beens, hit hard by the recent recession and having squandered their royalty monies on booze, fast cars, fast women and the latest in hair regrowth technology, are now indentured servants of the networks, forced to host every crappy pageant or gameshow, just to get by.
But, much like Stevie Wonder, the economy's downturn is blind, affecting not only canceled sitcom stars, but also washed up 80s and early 90s recording artists, including Paula Abdul, Flavor Flav and Salt N Pepa (stars of a terrible reality show). Bands that are always mistaken as "dead" in the game "Dead or Alive?" such as Genesis and The Police are now forced to transpose their songs into lower keys, pack up their arthritis medication and tour the country, begging for cash.
Instead of giving to UNICEF this Halloween, won't you find it in your heart to donate your time and money to watching their terrible shows and seeing their embarrassing concerts?
Seeing his peers on television, Steve Guttenberg, no fool himself, is wisely whipping himself into game show shape. He just sold his memoir! Yes, seriously! And now he's rolling with an entourage, he's purchased a leather jacket, and is splurging for the Presidente tanning package at Hollywood Tans—all in anticipation of the network call that will surely come to host Cooking with the Stars: On Ice.
How long will these zombies continue to haunt us?