Bloomberg In Secret Pope Bid Shocker

Billionaire Mayor Mike Bloomberg, reportedly outraged at new Pope Ratzi's refusal to guarantee the eternal salvation of Jews, atheists, homosexuals and vegans, is secretly plotting with a top aide to assume control of the Vatican sometime in 2010, Gawker has learned. Top Bloomberg aide Kevin Sheeky met in secret with a number of disgruntled Holy See officials earlier this month, and is reportedly in talks with the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York about just how pricey an extended "antipope" campaign would be.

Through a spokesman, Bloomberg denied any interest in becoming pope, saying he has 790-odd days left as Mayor of New York and that's all he's focused on at the moment. But insider sources insist Mike is eying the popemobile and attempting to woo His Eminence Edward Michael Cardinal Egan to the cause with promises of an appointment to Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

Among the many changes Mayor Mike has in store for the church are a world-wide ban on the indoor burning of incense and a progressive reform policy offering priests free cell phones for each young boy they successfully don't molest. Bloomberg reportedly has no plans in place to change church policy forbidding women from reaching positions of authority.

Should the Pope thing fall through, Sheeky has already begun development of plans to make his boss Emperor of France, Chancellor of the Intergalactic Republic, and owner of the Wall Street Journal.

Mike's Secret Bid to Run Vs. Spitzer [NYP]
The Revolutionary [Newsweek]