The date: November 4, 2007
The place: Greenwich Ave between 13th and Jane
Sighted: This adorable Michael Cera walking down Greenwich Ave... wearing a somewhat geeky dark-green wool toggle coat. Taller than I expected, slim.....my 41-year-old ass wanted to tackle him to ground and give him a raspberry. Oh yeah, he was with some guy, taller, probably older, but who cares.
Assuming this lady means raspberry in a sexual kind of way and not in a making-fart-sounds-on-a-baby kind of way, this is one of several sightings we've received lately from women admiring the adorably awkward smoothness of one Michael Cera.
And while he is certainly hysterical and seems like a very nice kid (born 1988!), something in the profile pieces and the female adoration for being an ordinary-looking, slightly-geeky guy is triggering an ugly, big-lipped, abyss-screaming pang of Braffian déjà vu. And since we adore him, and every relationship we have with an actor is only ever one date with a Simpson sister away from being broken beyond repair, let's look at some proactive steps Michael Cera can take to avoid becoming the next Zach Braff.
1.) Don't date anyone famous or blonde. Some cursory Google-stalking of Michael Cera indicates he is currently dating a stand-up comic named Charlyne Yi. Perfect. Let's just hope with the growing attention he doesn't lose his head. It's a slippery slope people. The kid has too many beers one night, his friends convince him they should see what this Le Deux is all about, just to make fun of the people there of course, and BAM. We lose him forever.
2.) Stop blogging. This is okay now because it's for his web series "Clark and Michael," which is actually funny. However, what if he starts using blogs to talk politics or respond to things the media says about him? It could get dicey. It's better to end it before it starts. It could end up on HuffPo! Ack!
3.) Stop being in a band. Again, all reports are that the band is good, but we're talking preemption here. If you have a family history of breast cancer sometimes you need to lop that boob off early to save your life. It's common sense.
Is all this just a pessimistic attitude shaped by a world in which Promises mean nothing and Carrot Top gets laid? Maybe. But whatever. With the paparazzi on his tail and his growing appearance on those "hot" lists, we happily make the case that it's never too early to take action.