The Out 100 PartyS

Out magazine's annual Out 100 gala is like the Oscars of gayness: Redundant, sparkly, long. Though the bouncers and PR girls lurking in every doorway of Cipriani's Wall Street desired to keep us out, the gays' desire to have their pictures taken was stronger—and so we infiltrated every level of the elitist gay caste system. We began at the tail of the red carpet next to Queerty reporters, the pasta buffet, the people who ate from the pasta buffet and ended with our hair blowing in the wind of Chaka Kahn's stage exit. She was swift enough to avoid gay mauling. Single Straight Female guest reporter Amy Odell and shutterbug Nikola Tamindzic captured her and those who weren't as lucky. He's got even more here.

The unattractive PR Girls at the rear entrance for press and celebrities didn't know Out editor in chief Aaron Hicklin said he'd bring wristbands for us. "I thought you didn't want to do red carpet," a senior UPRG said when we arrived un-RSVPed. We asked if Aaron had arrived. "He just walked the red carpet. I don't know if he's talking to websites, but I'll find out for you." Um, senseless meowery much?

We caught Aaron on his way to the bar filled with all flavors of Absolut. "You're fine. They're fine, but I need a drink," he told the UPRG who scuttled back to her place in the cold doorway.

The Out 100 PartyS

'Out' editor in chief Aaron Hicklin between Mars and Pluto: If the world of reality TV were the solar system, Tim Gunn would be like Mars and Tori Spelling would be like Pluto: Exciting new things happen for him all the time and she's trying to rejoin his club.

We returned to the end of the red carpet, teeming with gays eating penne marinara. "Oh my God there's Jennifer Hudson!" one said. Ten yards away, she stood in a white dress with matching fur shrug. "Where? Where?!" "Right there! See?!" "Oh my God—I can't see her!" Recognizing is tough—especially Jennifer Hudson wearing head-to-toe white.

Then we spotted Marc Jacobs talking to camera crews. When he finished with them he headed into the crowd on the heels of boyfriend Jason Preston, who was sporting super spikey hair and some sort of biker chic look. The print reporters started throwing noisy tantrums and Marc—smart businessman and nice guy—returned for more interviews. This awarded us closer inspection of Preston and his Louis Vuitton belt and faded black Bon Jovi tee shirt, which was made yet more offensive by a smattering of neatly cut holes. He stood scowling with his hip cocked to one side.

The Out 100 PartyS

Marc Jacobs without whiny boyfriend Jason Preston. Single looks good on him.

We asked how he knew Marc. "I'm his boyfriend," he said with a pout. That was fun.

He admitted it annoyed him when Marc did interviews. When Marc finished with some queer radio station, Preston grabbed him by the hand and they trotted to the upstairs VIP area.

Not far behind we spotted a fauxlebrity moonlighting as a blue ostrich: Amanda Fields, model from Project Runway Season 3. We wanted to know which species of bird was now listed on the endangered species list thanks to her hideous fabulous feather coat-wrap-thingy.

The Out 100 PartyS

Model Amanda Fields and designer Melon Breton from Project Runway Season 3. Melon designed Amanda's feathered number. "I don't normally wear fur, but I guess feathers are ok," Fields told us.

"I don't know what it's made of. Ostrich? I'm Amanda Fields, you know," she said. Silly, we already sort of knew that! She said Malan Breton, designer from Project Runway Season 3, made it. "If you want you can come upstairs with me and I can take you to him so he can tell you about it," she said. "If you're allowed up there." Before I could take up her offer she flapped away with a suit on her arm.

The Out 100 PartyS

Darling Tim Gunn has been getting over a cold for an entire month. The Vitamin C and Echinacea he's been taking are no cure for overwork. He won't even get to enjoy the Project Runway Season 4 debut: After hosting an event, he'll being auctioned off with a meal and style consultation to a rich person at some other event. Whoever that rich person is: Please take him home and make him well.

Mmm hmm. Beyond the VIP room and into the VVIP room we went. Marc and Jason pranced about. "Hi! I met you at the ACE Accessories Awards Monday night," a blond gay said to Marc. They looked good standing next to each other and Jason stomped off down the balcony.

"Ohhhh. Right," Jacobs lied. He took a moment to himself to smoke cigarettes by the bathroom door, depositing four butts in someone's half-drunk vodka soda.

The Out 100 PartyS

Richard and Julian have been together "almost six months." They met because their vacation homes were next to each other on Fire Island. Julian did not know how to spell Richard's last name, Stephenson. "It's S-T-E-V—" {GASP} "No it's a 'P-H'!" Richard corrected. They're both Virgos.

With Tori Spelling echoing over a microphone down on the stage, we did our best to eavesdrop on Jason's convo with the blond and a brunette. We picked out the phrase "little boys." As in: "He likes little boys," Jason said, tilting his head toward Marc.

The Out 100 PartyS

[Editor's Note: POISON DWARF ALERT! The rudest person in New York (who works at 'New York'!), Carl Swanson, with blog mini-emperor David Hauslaib and his ex, 'Daily News' gossip columnist Ben Widdicombe.]

The Out 100 PartyS

Because it's there: Gina Gershon checks out Annie Lennox's rack.

The Out 100 PartyS

I'm Every Woman: Chaka Kahn sings as loudly as her outfit is ruffly.

The Out 100 PartyS

We figured Jennifer Hudson didn't sing to avoid paling to a Caucasian in the presence of Chaka Kahn. Apparently someone read our thoughts and told her to her face. [Ed. Note: Oh no you didn't.]

Downstairs, Chaka Kahn was performing in the same awful black witch outfit she wore at the Angels Ball charity thing we saw her at a couple weeks ago. She exited stage right, and we exited stage left. By the way, no wristbands=no giftbag.

The Out 100 PartyS

Bunny. The Lady Bunny.