Val Kilmer May Be Fatman Forever

The date: November 10th

The time: 12:30 p.m.

The place: Subway Platform, Canal Street

Sighted: "Waiting for the R train at Canal Street, when I notice that the two guys standing behind me are being loud and obnoxious...well, one of these clowns turns out to be a fat and disheveled Val "Ice" Kilmer wearing some weird weatherproof jumpsuit. He and his friend were going over pictures on Val's digital camera and I am getting the sense that they are coming off an all-night binge in Chinatown. Val said, 'Breasts are sagging in this one...oh, I'd have this one blown up really big!'"

It's no secret that aging is a sin in Hollywood. Luckily, for the grandes dames of the red carpet, there are a myriad of ways to combat the ravages of time. Droopy eyelids? Slather that shit in baby foreskin. Turkey waddle neck? I'll take an order of unicorn horn, please. Face in total disrepair? Go under the knife and end up looking refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to deny having any work done. Or go to Jan Adams and end up dead.

Unfortunately, science has not advanced to the point where Hollywood men can safely avail themselves of plastic surgery. The evidence is compelling: Patrick Swayze went from sexy to surprised!. Bruce Jenner transformed from Olympian hunk to burn victim. Michael Douglas gets a new and apparently ineffective facelift every year.

As a result, the swollen, aging forefathers of Hollywood - John Travolta, Jack Nicholson, Tom Hanks and Val Kilmer, to name a few - face Sophie's choice: remain fat and bloated and spend the winter of your life starring in mortifying autobiographically-titled films such as Wild Hogs, The Terminal, As Good as it Gets and Something's Gotta Give (or, in the case of Val, signing autographs at Chiller Theatre expos in Parsippany, New Jersey alongside fellow "celebrities" David Faustino and Elvira) or get plastic surgery and end up like this.

The consequence of this devastating choice between the Scylla of plastic surgery and the Charybdis of bloat has left virtually no regal older gentleman available to play the love interests of carefully preserved beauties Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep and Dame Judi Dentures. Hollywood is in crisis. If science does not act quickly, we are in danger of losing a genre of movies like The Bridges of Madison County and future repulsive geriatric love stories. What kind of world do we live in where former Batman Val Kilmer is forced to see pictures of sagging breasts on his digital camera - especially when the sagging breasts are his own?