Got questions? Blogger and author and radio personality Tionna Tee Smalls has answers, and, to be blunt, a large chest! All you have to do is ask, and she'll give you the former, not the latter. Today, an advice-seeker learns whether the married man she's seeing is ever going to leave his wife.
I have a problem. I am really stuck between what the heart wants, and what the brain says.
Anyway, I have been dating a wonderful man for 2 years. Problem is, he is still married. He told me about it from the beginning, that he was still married in name only, and that he is remaining with his wife at home for the sake of their child. They sleep in separate bedrooms, and haven't been intimate in years. I do believe him, or do I? Everyone I talk to about this says that I am crazy, and that many men use this excuse when they are simply cheating on their wives. I am aware of that, but still feel there is something different here. We have been away together for the weekend, we never fight, and the sex is fantastic. Two years from now he will be free from his marriage. However, once again, will he want to be with me and get married right after getting divorced? I am so torn. I feel I have invested so much already in this relationship, and I do love him, and enjoy every minute I am with him. But I have kids, and I do not want to waste anytime on someone who is not for real.
Girl, Get Your Mind Right! Not now but right now. You answered your own question within this letter. First of all, as you already know that that "I'm staying with my wife because of the kids" line is dead and stinking. That is the biggest bullshit a man could tell you in your adult life. The sad thing is that you have been dating this man for two years-wowzers.
I could tell by reading your letter that you really love this man and that you are already sucked into his bullcrap because you said that he is still married in name only. Wow, he has kicked game to you so long that you are really starting to believe it. You say that he and his wife sleep in separate beds and have not boned in years- yeah freaking right! I am a woman and I have to let you know that I could never live with my husband and he is sleeping in another room and I'm not hitting that. I feel sorry for you because it sounds like you really believe this ish. Damn.
You say that everyone you know is telling you that he is full of it and it's an excuse. Well, girlfriend, believe it! This man is making an excuse. This is 2007, it is no way in hell he cant leave his wife and live in a separate home, please, people do it every day and kids are more accepting of the fact. Yeah, they will cry in the beginning but after a while, they will get used to having two homes (not that I am saying that being a kid of divorced parents is easy).
See, it's like this. Maybe when he met you, he really did have problems with his wife and maybe he was separated from her but by you still dealing with and accepting him living with his estranged wife, you gave him the ok to kind of work it out with her. Here you go giving up the catbag while he is at home living the family life with his WIFE. What man wouldn't love that? He has it all.
You are what we call in the hood "a goddamn fool." Girl, you better wake up and realize that you are getting played before it's too late. You said that you guys have gone away for the weekend, never fight, and have great sex-duh! Because he saves the arguments, frustrations, and the wack sex for his wife. Besides, what man doesn't screw the mistress better?
It's like this: You are the side dish, all you can ever do is complement the entree. You will never be the one he orders unless he needs something quick. And don't get gassed up because you went on a weekend trip with him. You know better than anyone that people lie. He could have told his wife he was going on a business trip or to see his dying Grandma- so please don't get too happy with that.
You said two years from now he will be free from his marriage. What, is he waiting for his kid to get to 18 or something? I hope that ain't the lie he's kicking to you because even then if his kid is enrolled in college, he will still be financially responsible for it, so please tell him to tell that ish to another sucker. You sound so emotionally weak and vulnerable that it's sickening and girlfriend, you better get it together. Your letter is one of the shortest ones we have received but it's packed with fallacies and problems that one must never fall victim to.
You're talking about is he going to want to marry you after he gets his divorce? Hells to the no because he knows how weak you are and he's the type of man that will string you along only to marry the next chick (even though I know he isn't leaving the wife he is with now). And you're talking about two years from now. Two years, hell, most men don't know what they're doing two days from now.
Girl, I know it is hard to hear this but you have to let him go—you can do better. Don't be his little dirty secret. It's time for you to wake up and smell the coffee because two women can never share one man.
Think about it like this. Let's say your lover man gets hit by a car and dies. His wife will be the one who gets everything and make all of the arrangements. All you would be is that crying woman in the back of the chapel thinking about that weekend trip and great sex you guys once had. Is that all you want out of your life—hard dick and bubblegum? I think not.
Set a good example for your kids (because they are watching you) and let him go and tell him to look you up in the yellow pages once he leaves his wife. Keep me posted on this affair and don't get mad at my response, just remember that I am telling you this because I want you to be a strong woman.