While we usually delight in using this space to bring people together, Defamer Connections is occasionally called upon to step in and lend a hand in prying a stalker and their celebrity prey apart. Never, though, have we encountered an instance like the following—a curious reversal of the traditional male/female, celeb/stalker dynamics, in which a local gymgoer has turned to the Craigslist Bureau of Ships in the Night to address heightening concerns over the hungry eyes of Rachel "Formerly of The O.C., Tomorrow, Who Knows?" Bilson. The posting:
Dear Rachel Bilson, - m4w - 99 You practically raped me with your eyes at the gym the other day.
At first I thought, great another perv checkin' me out on the treadmill... then you follow me upstairs, and it just got ridiculous after that. If you're going to stare me down like that either grow some balls and say hi, or kill me, but don't be that creepy stalker chick who follows me around the gym and stares me down. Not cool.
Our advice to Bilson, should she be reading this, is to reject his options, as murdering the author, while putting an immediate end to both of your frustrations, could wind up having severe repercussions down the line. (Ditto growing a set of balls.) Instead, we'd simply suggest you refocus any energies expended lusting after your cardio-room crush back into your own exercise regime; you'll find after just a few weeks, the results will be spectacular enough to transform former stalkees into persistent stalkers, at which point you can post your own Missed Connections notice requesting they "find your sack already and choose the spinning cycle next to mine. It's not like you don't know I always sign up for #17!"