In the latest issue of Blender, Chris Norris, who co-authored The Wu-Tang Manual with the RZA, takes a hard deep look into the vacant eyes of The Hills' Heidi Montag and the Slytherin-irises of her erstwhile beau Spencer Pratt. In the manner of a Zen koan, there is both so much and so little there.

Heidi Montag on her recent plastic surgery (nose and tits "well-proportioned C-cups swelling her waffle-knit jersey") before going under anesthesia: "If I don't wake up, it's worth it.

Heidi Montag on her career as a singer/dancer: "I've been dancing sine I was 2—hip-hop, jazz, tap, everyhing. I was a wicked stepsister in Cinderella. I was a fairy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was Beatrice old English play."

Heidi Montag on her career as an actress: "I also plan to win an Oscar. I'm very ambitious."

Heidi Montag on her reading habits: "I like to read a couple of books at once. I was reading the Princess Diana book. I'm reading a book about Chicago and the mob. Right now I'm also reading the Bible, beginning to end. I'm very religious. That's how I've gotten where I am."

But our favorite part of the article has to be Norris' description of Spencer Pratt:

Spencer Pratt's character is where The Hills gets really deep. The unquenchable flame of reality TV's ur-asshole, Puck, from The Real World: San Francisco, burns brightly in this hustling 24-year-old towhead, a guy who calls buddies "player" and valet parkers "bro," swears on his "mother's life" that he didn't do what he did in the previous scene and greets every situation, from a romantic betrayal to a pregnancy scare, with the same sleepy half-smile.

Also! Did you know that Pratt, "one of the most ruthless and skillfiul young manipulators of reality TV thus far" had already created a Hills-esque show called The Princes of Malibu which he shot for Fox? So devious! So smart! So Spencer!