Who Can "Thrust Gawker Deep Into The New Era"?

The applications are flooding in to be the new honcho of this website! Today we received a submission from an old friend, one that we thought should be shared with the whole class.

Dear Mr. Robischon:

In light of the recently announced departures of half of the Gawker editorial team, I realize you are in something of a bind. While I understand that plans for the newest iteration of Gawker are currently in flux, I think that you need someone with previous experience running a website of Gawker's stature to run the ship during this difficult transition. With that in mind, I'd like to put myself forward as a candidate for Gawker's managing editor position.

As you are aware, I spent several successful months managing Gawker behind the scenes while Choire was pretending that his wireless on Fire Island didn't work and Balk was out drinking at Shark Bar. I skillfully handled the friction between editors Emily Gould and Joshua Stein, whose competition to determine which of them was the most attractive Gawker editor ever threatened to rend the site in two.

As for news judgment and page views, my healthily obsessive interest in celebrity vaginas was matched only by my deep awareness of the current political climate, particularly when it came to the current presidential race. I also wrote many of the Rupert Murdoch posts that were filed under Balk's name.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience. My monetary demands are competitive, but not out of line, with the current rates you're offering. My work ethic has never been challenged, and I am confident you'll find that I'm a stand-up guy who can thrust Gawker deep into the new era you've envisioned.

I look forward to hearing from you.

With regards,
Balk's Cock

P.S. I am currently employed in a position of sitting silently under the desk of Radar Online's executive editor, who is unaware that I am sending this application. I'd appreciate it if we could keep this confidential, lest he find out and administer some sort of spanking to me. Thanks for your discretion.