Barack Obama's Junk Is Presidential

The date: November 28th
The place: 8th Ave between 40th and 41st
Sighted: "Barack Obama is in my building talking to editorial. Sexy. He looks like he's got a big one."

It's going to be tough to be the next President of this country. Putting aside the huge shoes that need to be filled, there's also the two wars, the other countries with their nukes and their hating us, the fact that the globe seems to be packing it in and calling it a day, not to mention Us Weekly going around willy-nilly accusing actresses of having plastic surgery when they have CLEARLY never had anything of the sort. The issues are indeed daunting. Which is why it's good that we have a man like Barack Obama in the running for the job. Let's take a look at all the reasons he is a clear-cut choice for the next leader of our nation.

1.) The resemblance to Will Smith. Honestly, ever since he turned his blazer inside-out to individualize himself among those snobby Bel-Air prep-schoolers, haven't we all been waiting for the day Will Smith threw his hat in the ring? And, since he hasn't, and he's getting sort of weird with this hanging out with Tom Cruise and the Scientology-defending, it's nice that we have a similar-looking alternative.

2.) He's good-looking. Now, say what you will about this country but no matter how great the national strife there's one thing you can always depend on. We only listen when pretty people are talking. Missing white women are only newsworthy if they're photogenic and no one cares about the fact that the Lower 9th Ward is still destroyed until Brad Pitt puts on that adorable little Newsies cap and tells us we should. These are facts.

3.) He is well-endowed. Some will argue that this is less important than foreign policy experience. These people have obviously never dealt with a man with a tiny penis and the ensuing problems of arrogance and short-temper that result from years of over-compensating.

These reasons, combined with the fact that he is Oprah-approved, make the man practically unbeatable. So, there you have it. Now you don't even have to skip 'The Hills' next time they have one of those stupid debates.