Because we're all desperately in need of some stories of spiritual uplift this dismal holiday season, we offer you an eyewitness account from a highly placed Defamer operative of box office titan and "Hanukkah Song" troubadour Adam Sandler coming to the rescue of an injured woman in the parking lot of local skating rink:
A big sighting on Friday, December 7 @ the Culver Ice Arena, LA's most decrepit skating facility. The place was overrun with high school burnouts and geeks with nothing better to do. So, it was fitting then that Adam Sandler should show up with wife and small child in tow.
Soon thereafter, a frantic Sandler bolted back behind the skate rental counter in an attempt to dial 911. In turns out his wife found an elderly woman lying bloodied in the parking lot. She had a pretty big gash on her forehead and a sprained/bruised wrist. The Sandlers brought her inside and waited for the ambulance to arrive. Of course, his key teenage demographic stood slack-jawed the whole time. He was so upset over this woman's condition, I thought it was his own mother or grandmother. It wasn't until the woman's daughter arrived approximately 30 minutes later did I realize he didn't even know this woman (not sure who she was with or why she was there but she was pretty senile). The whole affair took some time because Culver City was having some sort of disaster preparedness drill. While the paramedics decided where to take the woman, Adam got in his Cadillac and waited to follow the ambulance, sacrificing his night of skating with his wife and offspring. Top that Cuba Gooding Jr.!
Not since Paris Hilton rushed to the side of a chocolate-sauce-hemorrhaging Oompa-Loompa have we been so moved by an act of celebrity selflessness. Mr. Sandler: We daintily defoil and proceed to devour a high denomination of chocolate gelt in your honor.