Ricky Martin's Cup of Lies

The date: December 7th
The time: 7pm
The place: 1291 Third Avenue
Sighted: "Ricky Martin and his bon bon at JG Mellon's. Papi was lookin' fine and scruffy. And not really that gay, sadly."

Not really that gay? Au contraire. In fact, two days ago, Ricky's facialist Ole Henriksen officially "outed" Ricky after implying he was gay, but mainly by confirming that Ricky receives facials. Yet long before Ole made the shocking revelation, Ricky confirmed his gayosity - not by wearing brightly colored silk shirts and dripping wax on himself, but by failing to give a "straight" answer to the "Are you gay?" question. Indeed, when Barbara Walters asked him the question, Ricky replied by answering ten completely different questions, including whether he was concerned about his nieces reading things, what his mother discusses at the beauty parlor and whether sexuality is something that each individual should deal with in their own way. Failure to absolutely 100% confirm straightness by having sex with a woman during the actual interview equals gayness. Closeted case closed.

Ricky is not alone in outing himself by virtue of ridiculous roundabout answers. Queen Latifah is constantly photographed with her "personal trainer" Jeannette Jenkins, but her "I know me and that's all I need to know" responses combined with the fact that she obviously hasn't worked out in decades belie the true nature of her sexificationality status. Ryan Seacrest's unambiguous answer that he has "straight male habits" coupled with his convincing and in no way staged kiss with Teri Hatcher exposes his gayitude. And Jodie Foster's declaration "My life is my life" plus her trip to the sperm bank and thanking of "my beautiful Cydney" sufficiently satisfies the public's wonder. They're not out "officially" of course, for fear of losing roles and endorsements.

As with farts, whoever denied it, supplied it, and evading the question is the new confirmation. Accordingly, CoverGirl and American Idol need to immediately rip up their contracts with Queen Latifah and Seacrest because now, who will be able to trust them to sell makeup or accurately report America's text message votes? Pepsi must fire Ricky as its spokesperson because, in an ironic turn of events, everyone knows that gays poison wells and pollute our drinking water. Instead of dreaming up outrageously cagey answers to the critical sexual orientation question, closeted celebrities need to channel this energy into researching and moving to leper colonies so that the public will finally be rid from their insidious influences.