We get out of bed for days like these: The new American Gladiator bios are up on the NBC website. The return of American Gladiators. How has it taken this long? It's a mystery almost as profound as how a show about dedicated steroid-users shooting tennis balls out of a tennis-ball-shooting-gun at casual steroid-users ever went off the air in the first place. Regardless, it could not have picked a better moment for its triumphant return to the airwaves, as the unprecedented bloodlust of the American public's taste in entertainment dovetails perfectly with the unprecedented aversion of moguls and execs to give any money to talented people. We'll be glancing at the bios throughout the day. These are the real heroes. (Sorry, Hayden.)

Crush (pictured): The only verb in the dozen, Crush "earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission," which kind of begs the question: why isn't she named Smash? [American Gladiators]