"Lots Of People Always Say Stuff That They Will Never Do Until The Fire Is Under Their Ass"

Tionna Tee Smalls is the internationally-known blogger, author and advice columnist. Go on, ask her anything. This week: What about the man who just won't marry you?

Dear Tionna,

Here's the deal, I honestly don't have that much to complain about. I have an amazing boyfriend. I mean one of those boyfriends you cry to your friends about needing after the one you have right now just fucked you over again. He's emotionally available, stable both mentally and financially, and loves me enough to deal with my sometimes crazy ass.

Now that I'm done sounding like boasting bitch I can get down to the real problem. He never wants to get married. There isn't a commitment problem, he just says the practice of marriage is an outdated Christian tradition he just doesn't find necessary. I just disagree.

I've always thought of marriage as making the ultimate commitment to someone. I'm not religious by any means but seriously what is the issue. We want kids, and then what if we split up? How do we divide things? Or what if one of us gets sick and we have to make the "pull the plug" choice. Unless you are next of kin there is no choice for us.

Also I want to be his wife. I know that probably makes me sound like some needy women who want to be chained to her stove with like fifteen kids but it's how I feel.

Where do I go from here? Do I give up an amazing man that I love insanely just because he won't sign a piece of paper?

Let's Get Married

Dear Let's Get Married,

I am so freaking glad that you have a man that is emotionally available, mentally and financially stable, hallelujah and thank you Jesus, someone has one. I didn't take your description of your man as boasting at all so don't worry about that! I think you should be happy when you have a great man. Now let's get down to the nitty gritty, he's great but he says that he doesn't ever want to get married. Wowzers.

He says that marriage is an outdated Christian tradition, wow. I thought that all religions got married but hey, I'm just an Advice Columnist, what do I know? Lol. I really think that his reason for not taking the plunge goes deeper than religion. Is his parents married? And if they are, do they have a successful marriage? I am asking this because his refusal to get married could have something to do with failure of marriages that he witnessed in his childhood.

This really isn't a HUGE problem because lots of people always say stuff that they will never do until the fire is under their ass and then they change their mind, you feel me? I think you should make it clear to him that you do believe in marriage and don't plan on being just some man's girlfriend for the rest of your life but don't sound too desperate (because that is a turn off). I think if he is as great of a man as you say he is, he will understand your views about this and marry you because I really feel like a man who loves you would do anything to make you happy—seriously.

I want you to also to take in consideration that he may never want to get married; and that is something that you have to choose whether or not you could deal with because you alone can't change someone's views on something as serious as marriage. I am damn sure not going to tell you to get rid of a GOOD man because he won't marry you, but I will tell you to always put your wants and needs over his and remember that if he doesn't marry you, there are other GOOD men out there that will make your dream of being a wife come true. So just think about that!

I think if you put your foot down, it will all work out for you.

Love,

Tionna


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