Breaking! Jamie Lynne Spears Still Knocked Up Morning After Teen-Pregnancy Revelation!

With the shocking—just shocking!—news arriving late yesterday afternoon that knocked-up sixteen-year-old Zoey 101 star Jamie Lynn Spears, little sister of overmatched young mom Britney and the Spears clan's last hope to raise an earner who could stay out of trouble until her early twenties, might not have been properly educated about the contraceptive options available to teenage actresses who don't want their burgeoning careers stalled by unplanned motherhood, we've all had a sleepless night to adjust to the realities of this new, post-impregnation world. We now retreat into a defensive round-up crouch to handle the most recent developments in the story that will keep us all warm during the holiday slowdown:

· The website for OK!—the magazine that presumably shelled out an enormous sum for the Jamie Lynn exclusive—seems to have given up the ghost due to a flood of traffic. But the wires have the details of their story. "It was a shock for both of us, so unexpected. I was in complete and total shock and so was he," said Spears. Also: she still thinks premarital sex is a bad idea, "[b]ut I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in." Being suddenly thrust into adulthood has made the teen wise beyond her years. [AP]

· A once-innocent-seeming-trip with mom to see knocked-up-teen comedy Juno now takes on incredible significance. The pregnant Spears leaves the NY theater dejected, knowing that she'll never be able to master the drenched-in-defensive-sarcasm-but-still-sweetly-vulnerable attitude that made the film's protagonist a favorite of critics. [PageSix.com]
· Dad Jamie Spears is disappointed that his ex-wife and daughter sold Jamie Lynn's womb to OK!, claiming that he wanted no part of their filthy uterus-money. [USMagazine.com]
· The troubled older sister who spends her life insulated by a protective layer of paparazzi is always the last to know. [TMZ]
· OMG! Even K-Fed knew before Britney! In fairness, the Spears family reached out to Federline so that he could counsel babydaddy Casey Aldridge on how to parlay his incredible good fortune into fame and financial security. [PageSix.com]
· Mom Lynne Spears' book about how to raise happy, healthy, successful daughters with show business ambitions has been delayed, possibly so she can work on a new chapter: "How To Deal With Unexpected Pregnancy Of The Sixteen-Year-Old Daughter You Once Thought Was 'The Good One.' [People]