Jamie Lynn Spears Shocks And Awes

The date:December 18, 2007

The place:Online

Sighted:16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears declaring her pregnancy on the cover of OK! Magazine.

When you spend two years monitoring the comings and goings of celebrities, as we, your devoted Gawker Stalker map girls have, you develop a certain world-weary toughness. You surround yourself with a battle-hardened façade that not even a picture of the baldest vagina can shatter. And yet, sometimes, as I imagine happens with like, war correspondents, something gets past the armor and shakes you to your very core. Today is that day here at Stalk of The Town. Analysis of an event as earth-shattering as the pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spearsrequires both Stalkettes.

Robespierre: Um...

Erica: I know.

Robespierre: I can't even deal. I cannot even deal with this news. I literally cannot focus at work today.

Erica: Maybe she was just trying to take some of the attention off her sister, like when they made up that war in that Dustin Hoffman movie.

Robespierre: Never saw it. Too ridiculous. Pregnant. 16. Live-in boyfriend. Whom she met IN CHURCH. He's 19. Statutory rape. Parenting book. The most hilarious part is that Lynne Spears' parenting book is now on indefinite hold.

Erica: Ha. Delayed, but not canceled. What would have to happen for her to cancel it?

Robespierre: If the brother raped a dolphin.

Erica: Or a panda. My favorite part is that they sold the story to OK! for cash. Your 16-year-old daughter is pregnant, Lynne Spears, what are you gonna do now? Get her precious little baby-fatted face on the glossies!

Robespierre: There is a complete and utter absence of morality. She is morally bankrupt. The entire Spears clan is morally bankrupt. Actually, that is the mark of true celebrity.

Erica: She got us talking. She could teach Ashlee Simpson some lessons. In this day and age, getting plastic surgery to look exactly like your sister is gonna get you like one post on Perez, at most. But this young Spears, well, she out-did herself.

Robespierre: She out-did her sister. PS. Fantasia's pregnant . Hahahaha.

Erica: What happened in that house when they were growing up? I mean, those parents really fucked those kids up. They are like the Jacksons or something.

Robespierre: Yeah, and we didn't even notice while it was happening. They seemed relatively normal. Remember Britney and her mom wrote that book about how they were best friends and stuff.

Erica: Crazy. Maybe we're overreacting. They ARE from Louisiana, at least she's not related to the dude.

Robespierre: That may still come out. You need to do this for Stalk, like an emergency edition.

Erica: But what do I do? I don't think that little one has ever even been to Manhattan.

Robespierre: Who cares? This is URGENT.

Erica: You're right. Besides, who's gonna yell at us? I don't even know who we work for anymore!