This is an occasional column by one of the authors of The Underminer, Or, The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life. Did you know that some people on Facebook are better than others? It's true! But it's okay, your "friends" still like you! Just keep poking away at them.
The Underminer sent you a message.
"Hey! Great new photos in your profile! You went to Mustique! How cool and early 2000's retro! Ooh la la. And it looks like all of your friends are drinking Diet Pepsi and are sober. So does that mean that you no longer get uncontrollably drunk? Ha ha. Just joking. It works if you work it.
I noticed though that your photos are sort of bleached out and lacking color. Next time you should use a Kodak One Time Digital Disposable Camera. They are soooo amazing to help people in the $13,000-$25,000 a year income/ no IRA and Health Insurance demographic like yourself create memories!
Anyway, hi baby! I just looked on your profile and saw that YOU are the 153rd most Hottest person! Okay full disclosure I just added major points to you because I sort of have that ability so that you can be number one because I know how much that would mean to you. (Speaking of, have you seen the new movie Juno!? I think you would really like it. Take a look and then tell your friends!)
I heard from Paul that you kind of keep trying to be his friend. Totally don't take it the wrong way that he doesn't respond. He's just going through a lot right now, and it's hard for him, you know, since he is a model and has been number one on SexiestAbs.com for four months running, to really trust people? And their true intentions for being his Facebook friend?
Also can I just ask you one thing? Could you just do me a big big huge favor and stop Poking and Superpoking me, unless you are responding to a product or segment of entertainment that we have been Facebooking about? Not that I don't like hearing from you, its just that I am a little busy right now. See, I'm earning money from my own popularity on Facebook through this awesome company Weblo
I am sort of their prototype, because they noticed that I am a "Hubster"—meaning that I am a central connector to at least 400,000 other profiles. So every time I mention a product or ad-related person or activity to one of my friends, I get paid!
Swiffer. Citibank. Eva Longoria. I just made $1000! Whee!
But anyway, that's not really why I do this. I actually do really like connecting with old old friends like you and finding out what you are doing and stuff. In fact often I am at home, or at a comfortable Hyatt Regency hotel room, listening to my incredible Zune mp3 player, or just taking a relaxing bath staring at a Jo Malone candle, and I think about how much I do care about you. Really. Here, let me express that by throwing a dead sheep at you. Ha ha. Facebook is fun."
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