Gawker
Newsweek invited third-generation etiquette expert Lizzie Post to help Holiday get-togetherers and get-togetherees avoid awkward moments with teetotalers at their Christmas parties. Post offered six tips that we loved so much, we repurposed them in a humorous fashion!
When you're hosting:
1. Never Assume Don't say, "Can I get you a cocktail?" Instead, just hand them a drink when they walk in the door. It's cold out! That's hospitality.
2. Tap That Know the early signs of drunkenness, such as slurred words, obscenities or unusual confessions. Now your party is really getting good. If you see insobriety, we suggest pouring 'em stronger and turning up the music. As Lizzie Post says, "Cork it, and put the wine away for the night." It's rye time.
3. Be Subtle Don't announce "Please, no booze" on a written invitation. "Invitations are supposed to be inviting," Post says. "It's not polite. You don't put 'No smoking' on an invitation or little signs around the house." No, you man up and let people drink and smoke. Because it's a "party." Not a damned stupid 12 step meeting—which, we might add, you can certainly light up during.
What about when you're the guest? First, congrats; you've made the right decision. No cleanup and you can leave when you get bored! But there are still some etiquette tips you should keep in mind.
1. Considerate Gifting Don't bring a bottle of wine or Scotch to a party unless you're asked to. It's their job to get you drunk. Grab a sixpack on the way up if you're worried they'll run out of the good stuff. Then hide it!
2. Don't ask "Never ask anyone why they're not drinking, even indirectly. It can seem like a harmless ice-breaker, but in fact it's downright rude to hand a woman a Coke and say, 'Expecting?'" We have nothing to add to this tip. It is totally inappropriate to hand people virgin Cokes or invite pregnant ladies.
3. Don't tell You're not obliged to explain why you're drinking. No one needs to know the extent of your pain. And you'll tell them when you've had enough, goddammit.
Six Ways to Avoid Holiday Booze Blunders [Newsweek]
Comments
Greatest post EVER!
Shrieking at the top of my lungs and running around the room until I finally hit a bookcase that topples over onto me is usually how I diffuse any awkward, booze related party problem.
Reeny, hilarious!
@BLAKELEY: Seconded. In fact, I think I'll toast to this post. Post-Toasty!
4. "Settling in for the night?" so annoying.
but handing people a virgin? toooootally acceptable. encouraged, even!
@Tammany_Fall: All of these really hit home... I'm like guilty of all doing most all of them.
As long as I am soused on vodka sodas any damn thing can happen at my coming party. It's at my friends house, so screw it!
@the supergoddess: Or maybe even just coke.
Linda Garcia from Fairbanks Alaska is not invited to my party.
@StMawr: Seriously. I was confused with that one. I don't think he was using virgin or coke the way I normally would use — the words, that is.
Speaking of drinking, posts aren't showing up. Your tech folks crack open the bubbly yet?
@SarahHeartburn: duh, COMMENTS aren't showing up.
Are none of you guys Irish? What's the problem here? You walk in, you get handed a drink, and when it's time to go home some thoughtful person will make the decision whether or not you need help. In the time it took to expend all the brainpower in this discussion, a halfway respecting Irishman will have tossed back enough to have solved the problem of West Bank settlements AND confessed to an affair with Rachel Marsden.
@BLAKELEY: Yeah, I know. And more, too.
I usually grab a sixer of Pabst or Hamms or whatever is cheapest at Key Food to take to a party. Then when I'm there, I'll drink the $12 bottles of Duvel someone brought. But not until after I've barfed in their tub. Or dresser.
I have a question of etiquette: keg stands, when a lady is wearing a skirt? Where should I fix my gaze?
@LolCait: I find the old "take off the bra from under the shirt and drape it over the host trick" is always a good icebreaker. At 6 am.
@Clarence Rosario: On the Christmas tree.
@Michael Jahn: In my family, we only discuss Rachel Marsden at wakes.
@Clarence Rosario: She knew what she was doing. Look all you want, but not in a creepy stalker way.
I'm surprised she hasn't been deported yet. That's okay, I guess. We don't want her back.
@CodePink: how 'bout on the hanukkah bush?
Service journalism at its finest!
Always put a bowl of Trojans next to the bed with all the coats...intermixed Altoids.
...and negotiate a group discount at the neighborhood drycleaners for said coats.
@MyCubeHas3Sides: It's also polite to include those individually-wrapped spot remover towelettes for the people whose coats happened to be on top of the pile.
*highfives NewYorkWannaBe for the hive-mind moment*
back at you, catonmyhead :-)
@newyorkwannabe: @CatOnMyHead:
Well played, people, well played!
I have a pal who always brings a bottle of Jamesons to my parties and literally drinks the entire thing himself within two hours. If you try to pour a bit from "his bottle," you get your ass kicked.
I avoid all official parties/"dinners" at work (we actually only have one Christmas party and all the Dr's and nurses get trashed and think it's funny) I'm embarassed for them.
I also refuse to attend "retirement dinners" I don't like to be forced to pay for peers' alcohol intake. I prefer to work so they can attend. Remember kiddies, Rehab is for quiters!
Don't puke behind the Christmas tree; this could cause an embarrassing electrical short.
Chasing Bars:
[www.youtube.com]
@the supergoddess:
If they're over forty, they're waxing to eliminate the gray pubes. so no bush, Hannakah or otherwise...
.
How Do You Work This Life Thing? Hint: alcohol is the fuel and you are the Hummer with a cat back exhaust.
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