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Our rough calculations bring us to Day 17 of Kiefer Sutherland's 48-day stint in the Glendale pokey—perhaps the writers strike can lend us their ring girl— and while we've already established that this would be a bleak Christmas (and birthday) for Kief, bereft of cupcakes, hearty Tannenbaum tacklings, and single malt holiday cheer, we barely knew the extent of it: has learned exclusively that Kiefer's pre-screened visitor list has just two people on it: attorney Blair Berk, and his doctor.

That means the soon-to-be 41-year-old actor will be alone for the holidays and his birthday, tomorrow.

So how is he occupying his time? By reading fan mail and doing laundry.

Glendale City Jail spokesman Officer Balian tells that, "Kiefer is a really nice and humble guy, and just wants to put this behind him."

We're concerned: He won't even take a glass-partitioned meeting with his agents? Something doesn't add up. The uncharacteristically low-key star of 24 must have something up sleeve, perhaps planning on lulling the soundbite-friendly Balian into a false sense of security, so he can eventually ambush him with a handful of powdered detergent in the eyes, a rolled-up postcard plunged into his neck, and a daring escape through the tunnel he stealthily dug over the past few weeks with a Tide measuring cap.