Thought Monday's round-up was smothered in weak sauce? Just wait until you see today's!
· Jay-Z is retiring again—from his position as the president of Def Jam records. We totally foresaw this earth-shattering development when he tellingly rapped, "I hydroplane into fame/Come'n down with the Dow Jones/When the clouds come we gone" on "Umbrella." [Variety]
· "Classic" acts dominated 2007's concert business, with half of the top 20 tours having started their careers in the '70s. We set this news to the comforting strains of The Eagles' "Long Road Out Of Eden," evocatively covered in proto-spiritual sand dune imagery and available at a Wal-Mart near you. [Variety]
· Broadway and Hollywood choreographer Michael Kidd dies at age 92. [Variety]
· NBC takes Christmas night with their overstuffed, two-hour Deal or No Deal Christmas special, an evening of contestants screaming at busty elves holding festively decorated briefcases, and a suspiciously OCD Santa who refused to touch any children, regardless of naughty or nice status. [THR]
· Someone named Robert Pattinson has "joined the cast of Twilight, Summit Entertainment's teen-vampire thriller." If you'll now excuse us, we're going to bury our faces in what's left of the figgy pudding. [THR]