If there's any question as to why we've been eagerly anticipating Celebrity Rehab, the latest offering from VH1's Reality Department/ Non-Skank-Romance Division, since first being teased by footage of Jeff Conaway blowing a rail of fauxcaine, one need only take a look at this ABC News headline, which practically bullet-points every stage of Dr. Drew Pinsky's clinically-proven-to-induce-ratings 4-step program. (Mop-wielding orderlies are typically on high alert prior to Step 3.) Distancing himself from University of the Web-accredited quacks like Dr. Phil and other exploitative reality fare covering the same ground, Actual Medical Doctor Pinsky explains how his show is far more than just Celebrity Apprentice with piles of blow and a stocked bar (which, now that we mention it, would make Trump's show a lot more interesting):
Though Pinksy may be best known for sex advice doled out on the radio and TV call-in show "Loveline," he's no Dr. Phil — he has the medical chops to administer real treatment...He considers "Celebrity Rehab" a documentary about him treating a group of patients — not a typical reality show. But as is often the case in Hollywood, cameras and a weekly paycheck for the patients helped the process.
"Cameras sort of hold people accountable — they motivate them to keep them going," Pinsky said. "I was able to do more intensive work because these people were getting paid by the week. They wanted to get paid and they wanted to be on TV."
As an accompanying visual aid to help readers fully grasp just how rejuvenative a trip to rehab can be for a famous, rock-bottom addict, they have amassed a handy slideshow of personalities before and after treatment, like a celeb meth-face gallery in reverse. (Though in certain cases, such as American Idol's Jessica Sierra, a third photo of her vomiting on a cell floor after offering the Tampa force a round of blow jobs would have been more accurate.) Ricco Suave, Daniel Baldwin, Chyna and the rest set their monkeys loose in our living rooms starting tonight at 10 p.m., and you can bet we'll be on hand to capture the most painful and puke-filled highlights.