Tom Cruise Explained

Andrew Morton's new "Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography" is filled with interesting tidbits about the maniacal Scientologist and professional short person. What are some of the salient plot points? Well, for one, Tom Cruise Is Not Gay. Or so Morton's sources say. One class-act whom Miss Cruise dated in high school says "I was black and blue from the gearshift." (Ew.) But more enlightening are the eyewitness testimonies that, gasp!, Tommy was uncomfortable around gay men! He stormed out of a production of the musical La Cage aux Folles! And he apparently wasn't too keen on hanging out with ex-wife Nicole Kidman's geigh friends, "much preferring the company of jocks," Morton says. Ahem.

As for the Scientology, Morton reiterates the rumors that Tom was preparing Katie Holmes' womb for some sort of L. Ron Hubbard reincarnation and that he had tracking computer boop beep chips put into her cell phone so he could know her whereabouts at all times. Morton goes on to speculate that Katie must have felt like she was in Rosemary's Baby. Ah Mr. Morton! What leaps you make! What mysterious, unnamed (US Weekly) sources you find! Get a full recap of the tome at Slate's reader's guide.