10:01pm: ABC, hope you were taking notes. If any of your ideas for The Oscars resemble any of the ideas that NBC utilized tonight in their sham of a "press conference," your federal broadcasting license will be revoked. Herbert Eugene Ives would've been ashamed of your performance tonight, Silverman. You should go to sleep knowing that.
6:59pm: This back-alley broadcast came to an end about 58 minutes or so too late. Billy Bush, who we're convinced just may be both the resurrection and the light, has deemed to bring Entertainment Weekly coozehound Dave Kriger to the forefront to tell the nation which film HE thinks should be awarded with the Best Drama prize. The EW scribe thinks it should be Michael Clayton, but Billy Bush apparently doesn't agree and demands another pick from Kriger, lest he be smoted with a tax audit and reassignment to Highlights. The stuffy Britpic Atonement ends up taking the prize, and America yawns. Hey, don't yawn yet ... this means more dripping wet Kiera Knightley ads for us all! They need our consideration, let's make them work for it.
6:56pm: Julie Christie wins for Best Actress, besting the A-List likes of Angie Jolie and Cate Blanchett. She deserved it, but now we know for a fact that NBC got lucky not having to actually air this whole ceremony. Can you imagine how many folks in The Heartland would've tuned off by now, having the likes of Marion Cotillard, Ricky Gervais and Julie Christie are walking away winners?
6:54pm: Nancy O'Dell and her luscious, well-displayed rack will not stand (WILL NOT STAND!) to let a clip of a then 23 year-old dripping wet Angelina Jolie frolicking in a pool with an Access Hollywood producer go without commenting that he the reason why we, the viewing public, are seeing it is that her producers are sexist pigs. Hey Miss O'Dell, hope you enjoy the next six minutes of the Golden Globes broadcast 'cause you'll never host another one again.
6:52: Whoa Mad Men! Bet HBO is kicking themselves something fierce right now for letting Matthew Weiner's show slip off to AMC. Which reminds us, John From Cincinnati was really putrid wasn't it?
6:49pm: Sweeney Todd? Best Comedy? Really? We saw it, but it was no Brothers Solomon. But then again, if Billy Bush approves, we must've missed something the first time around; he likens Depp and creative lifepartner Tim Burton the Scorsese and DeNiro. By the way, we are so bored. Where's Kathy Griffin when you need her?
6:46pm: Johnny Depp's win for Best Actor of the Musical and/or Comedy variety bodes well for his chances to march triumphantly onstage at the Kodak Theater next month. Think he'll pull a Brando? He should.
6:42pm: Don't worry, Stevie Spielberg. You'll get your sloppy 20 minute hummer from the HFPA and the rest of your underlings NEXT January. And now that Julian Schnabel has gone himself and won a Best Director Golden Globe, we're betting his evening will end by telling a politically inclined brunette, "Let's go home so I can Diving Bell the Butterfly out of you."
6:36pm: And come on, we know that Extras is good, but is is NO 30 Rock. Or even Pushing Daisies. With all these big name nominees and all these (relative) no names winning awards, we're betting that Ben Silverman is laughing maniacally in his Burbank office, glad as hell that he was able to convince people to watch this nonsense without having to spend any real money on the party itself.
6:35pm: The all-seeing, all-knowing Billy Bush has just bestowed Ricky Gervais with his Bush Stamp of Appeal for his work guiding the series Extras. Howevs, judging by the stunned look that he had on his face, we're pretty sure he thinks that Extras is the show hosted by his dreaded rival, Mark McGrath.
6:31pm: It's only been 31 minutes? It feels like 31 hours. Especially because they just handed an award to David Duchovny for his work in Californication over heavyweight favorites like Alec Baldwin and Steve Carell. Thankfully, our Host and Father Billy Bush feels the same way we do, and uses the microphone behind his pulpit to blast the HFPA for daring call Californication a comedy. We must concur, as it never makes us laugh, either.
6:25pm:We're not sure exactly what role Entertainment Weekly Senior Writer Dave Kriger is supposed to be playing on this special. After all, with Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell as the Play-By-Play and Color Commentators (respectively), does this make Dave Kriger the Tony Siragusa of the special? We digress. No matter what role he is supposed to be playing, he is using this opportunity as an open audition to be Marion Cotillard's he-bitch ("she's spectacularly beautiful, 32 years old. Looks nothing like the older woman she plays in the movie.") Glad to hear you want to bone her, Dave ... join the list.
6:23pm: The recent crest of Juno-mania failed to catapault Ellen Page to victory over the frog princess Marion Cotillard's performance as Edith Piaf in La Vie En Rose. The Academy might as well engrave that Best Actress Oscar for Marion now.
6:19pm: We're still bored. Not even the fact that Jon Hamm won for his magnificently powerful performance as adman par excellence Don Draper is breaking these duldrums.
6:13pm: You know, we're trying to manufacture enthuasiasm for this ceremony, we really are. But as we lie here in the first commercial break, we find ourselves missing watching guys like Joaquin Phoenix fight the urge to shotgun a few beers. We miss the fact that Jack won't be able to inappropriately put his hands on Juno's homeskillets. Sobriety on this Sunday night is no fun.
6:07pm: Jeremy Piven is not just a member, he's the president of the Entourage Club For Men. Perhaps more importantly than the Globe he just picked up, he earns the laudits of Future PUSA Billy Bush ("Some characters just break through, and Ari Gold is just one of those characters"). Piven can sleep tight knowing that Billy Bush approves of his work.
6:05pm: Cate Blanchett just won a Golden Globe for I'm Not There. She basked in the glow for all of five second's before Billy Bush, renowned film historian and master of ceremonies, called her out for not being as good as Amy Ryan.
6:02pm: Wait a minute, the Globes got cancelled? We must have missed the news. First impressions ... we've never seen a press conference like this. This is like the Palms Casino of press conferences.
5:51pm: We have got to admit, we're not exactly sure what is about to go down when the Golden Globes "press conference" airs on NBC (and Telemundo!) in roughly 10 American minutes. Either way, we'll be here, watching, observing and, should the mood strike or the situation warrant it, posting...