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Perhaps fearing that the 80 hours of DUI-related community service Lindsay Lohan has already performed by serving as an unpaid shot girl at the Saddle Ranch (that place, like, doesn't even have a list! And why are all the drunk girls wearing lame cowboy hats?) may not provide the kind of scared-straight, "there but for the grace of delusional producers who believe I possess still-untapped acting talent go I" moment of clarity that will help keep the thrice-rehabbed actress from future alcohol- and cokepant-related vehicular incidents, Lohan's attorney told the court her client will soon spend two four-hour shifts toiling at a morgue and two more days in an emergency room.

Though the morgue portion of Lohan's upcoming work schedule is certainly the more headline-grabbing of the assignments, it might be the ER stint that proves more effective in deterring future self-destructive behavior; should she be stationed at Cedars Sinai, there's a better than fifty-percent chance that an ambulance carrying Britney Spears following her next mental-breakdown-cum-child-custody standoff will arrive, providing Lohan with a chilling look at what strapped-to-a-gurney-while-wrestling -with-five-orderlies fate awaits her should she fail at sobriety yet again.