Newly-added Times columnist Susan Dominus chronicles the career of Christine Agro, pet clairvoyant to the stars. "Christine Agro's career as a pet psychic to the stars started, as so many auspicious events do, with a particularly open chakra." Nope it doesn't make more sense than that. But it is still amazing. "Ms. Agro doesn't need to see the pets to talk to them, just a land line — she communes with the pets while simultaneously relaying the conversation to their owners by phone. She reasoned with the Weber family's dogs as she might her own 3-year-old son, explaining the basics of compromise, occasionally using her training, she says, to remove some negative energy along the way." That's Weber as in Bruce Weber, the super famous kinda letchy fashion photographer. Other clients include: "Grace Coddington, the fashion icon and creative director at Vogue, who referred her to Buffy Birrittella, an executive vice president at Ralph Lauren; both cat lovers are now regular clients. Ingrid Sischy, the editor in chief of Interview, Joan Allen, the actress, and Julian Schnabel, the director and artist ." She charges $100 for a half an hour. After the jump, we do it for you free (with a little help from the New Yorker Cartoon Bank.)

First of all, as illustrated below, dogs love the internet. Obviously. So if your dog is unhappy, just get him or her a MySpace account and everything should be cleared up.


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But if that doesn't work it could be that your dog is a bitter vindictive alcoholic prick. IN which case, get your dog a dry martini and kill your cat. Or save the alcohol, kill your dog and get a new cat.

But what was the "push" factor for your pet's alcoholism? It could be your patronizing pats to the head, your tepid praise or your careless heedlessness of your pet's feelings.

On the flipside, maybe the pressure to be validated by your pet's affection proved a burden too heavy for your terrier's slender shoulders.

Or maybe your dog is just suffering from existential doubt, something that all of God's creatures occasionally do. If this is the case, just slip some vermouth into his water bowl and some Xanax into his morning Kibbles.