Skanky bar sluts need love, too, and thus we find ourselves with Rock of Love 2: The Revenge Of Bret Michaels' Wig. Having eliminated four girls last week, the follicle-challenged Bret Michaels wasted no time in getting his hoochies to show their goodies in a way that even the stingiest basic cable censor would find acceptable ... a dance-off! Sure, you or I might call this wriggle-fest a thinly veiled, mostly clothed grindfest, but honestly, how sexy can any dance-off be when white people and the Funky Chicken and The Robot are involved? Yes, pathetic underbites, epileptic convulsions and self-conscious writhing abound.

While most of Bret Michael's sex objects love interests looked desperately uncomfortable without a pole to cling to, Bret (having left his bifocals at home so as not to scare off the young chippies) seems to be pleased with anything they do, as long as it involves jiggling (when his only reaction to a grown woman doing The Worm is to comment on how much he enjoys seeing her "large, lovely breasts" smash onto the floor, we know we're in trouble). But we can only wonder about the simmering anger issues of the crew members who decided to toss into the suggestion bowl such sexy dance suggestions as The Lawnmower and The Grocery Cart. Sadly, such desperate attempts to quash Bret Michael's testosterone and ego-fueled midlife crisis will have to find a much, much colder glass of water to throw on these proceedings to dampen his desire. We're thinking a night of the comedy stylings of Rosie O'Donnell and some gay porn, but even that may not be enough.