Gawker
"I have been putting off doing this Rate-A-Date because I genuinely liked Paul Janka. I felt bad for him in a way," writes Kelly Kreth, the ousted New York Press sex columnist, PR bunny, and seeker of any and all forms of attention. Paul Janka, Manhattan's slimiest bachelor and minor internet-celebrity, "seemed lost and confused and completely harmless... He is just a man with a compulsion that needs to be addressed... He graduated from Harvard and is pretty smart and intense, but it would seem that a few years ago he became aimless. He worries, too, that he isn't contributing to society." Not with a tract called How To Get Laid in NYC, he isn't. Her five-hour date with him is full of frankly disturbing scatological descriptions that cross the line into the clinically weird. It also reminds us where all the smart girls are on a Sunday night: not going on dates as a "media joke."
What we did: He came to my house at night, ordered sushi, sat on my couch and drank tea and talked. He touched my breasts in mid-sentence, completely out of context, and seemed distracted by them and sexual thoughts that would pop into his mind sporadically. He told me he hadn't showered in 4 days. I let him know I was appalled he'd come to my house with urine stained manties.There's more, but you're just going to have to click on her link, because I can't stand it....After agreeing to flash him my tits quickly and letting him have one more cup of tea, he wiped down my coffee table, kissed the Mins, threw out my garbage and left around 3am. [Kelly just wrote to clarify: "The 'Mins' refers to my mini dachshund, appropriately named, 'MINI'. Janka and the Mini got on really well."]
I gave him a quick hug goodbye and felt bad when he said I made him feel dirty and bad. I wished him well and I really meant it.
Overall impression: A very smart, sweet guy who needs some sort of anchor and guidance in his life. A man who is deeply conflicted and needs sex addiction therapy and possibly meds.OK, wait: girlfriend goes on a date with someone as a "media joke" (read: plea for attention!), and ends with an I-feel-sorry-for-you therapy prescription? This is the same woman (who is 37 years old, I might add), who flashed her breasts on said date, displaying a stunning lack of boundaries. And blogged about it. This is the worst episode of Sex and the City ever. [Related media joke date, via Jezebel]Reason I went on the date: It started as a media joke; I wrote my last column as an open letter to him.... I was lonely and bored. He wanted to come over.
Comments
Did these two buy a time machine and give birth to John Fitzgerald Page?
Suddenly I don't feel so bad about spending Saturday night alone.
Thanks Kelly! Now I feel dirty and bad too.
Ick.
What are mins?
Is she the one who went out with Eric Schaeffer? Girlfriend needs to try a new website or something.
Paul Janka now refers to himself in the third person. With a british accent.
For those of you too grossed out or at work, at one point, for no apparent reason, he whips out his "Long and thin and pencillike" unit.
Frankly, I was more grossed out by the fact that she doesn't know how to use "recant" correctly in a sentence.
@meerkat: After all I've read about Paul Janka, I wouldn't be surprised if the 'Mins' turned out to be her pet name for her breasts.
...he wiped down my coffee table, kissed my tits, threw out my garbage and left around 3am.
Yeah.. I can totally picture it going down like that.
I wish I could un-read that.
Didn't Moe already cover this territory? And didn't some of us kind of hate her for it?
Wait...wait...wait. This woman allows some yahoo to grab her tits mid-sentence, then agrees to FLASH them and comes to the conclusion that HE needs therapy???!!?!? Honey, book some time on the couch for yourself, ok??
@Nellicat: That's an entirely different website. Once which I prefer to pretend doesn't exist.
@meerkat: yes, what exactly are "mins"?
Also: He wipes his cum in his hair. I just ate a Girl Scout Cookie. That isn't staying down.
@TheHonJudgeSmails2: Shit. I need more coffee. My apologies, everyone!
@lionel-mandrake: Gotta be a pet of some kind. Fluffy white dog or push faced cat.
@rachystyle: Yeah. About that. Who the FUCK wipes their cum through their own hair? Someone ELES' hair, maybe.. but their own? Blech.
@lionel-mandrake:
Maybe she has an aunt and a grandmother, both named Min. Or 2 very tiny dogs.
First Moe takes her pants off at his place, now this chick flashes him the goodies? I'm beginning to think he IS a guru.
I let him know I was appalled he'd come to my house with urine stained manties and he very seriously touched the stains, sniffed them and declared it was cum that dries yellow, not urine.
Ick ick ick.... and who "just takes IT out" during casual conversation???
Also the "spooge dandruff" in his hair? Are you kidding me?!?!?!
Holy Christ I'm disillusioned about men lately. Between Paul Awful Janka and finding out that the ex who broke my heart is having anonymous sex with strangers he meets on AdultFriendFinder, then blogging about it, I officially hate men.
Sorry, thought this was Jezebel for a second.
The thing about this guy that really angers me is, besides the sexual gross-out stuff, the fact that he can randomly touch a girl's chest while speaking, convince her to flash him before he leaves, and then tell her that she's the dirty and bad one. Such a douche.
This guy IS Flash Gordon.
He's a miracle.
King of the impossible.
He's just a man, with a man's courage.
Women like this utter idiot need men like Janka.
Fuck knows why, but they do.
There, Paul. You have a purpose. Now wash already.
A "sweet guy" doesn't paw at a woman's tits the first time he meets her. A "sweet guy"doesn't whip out his dick. A "sweet guy" doesn't show up unshowered with 4 days of dried cum all over himself and show it to/discuss it with a woman he just met. So much "for sweet." As for "very smart," well, he DID get her to flash her tits.
It continues to amaze me how well the "whip it out" school of seduction works with curious bored women. Okay, so he didn't get laid, but he did get flashed despite the crusty underpants and unconventional hair conditioning regimen. Amazing!
@Nellicat: Odd, my mom always said I was sweet.
@TheHonJudgeSmails2: No, but I hear they took a trip back to 1999 and accidentally wrote the song "Who Let the Dogs Out?".
Some lady's dogs got out and were running all over the block, barking and causing a commotion -- prompting a neighbor to ask "Who let the dogs out?"
Kelly quickly dialed her cousins, the Baha Men, and held up the phone: "Hey, guys, you know how you've been looking for that new sound? Check this out!"
After a quick stop to Texas to encourage a depressed Governor Bush to continue his bid for the White House, they zapped back to the present day.
ick, ick, ick.... Why, oh, WHY did I read that? My co-workers are wandering past my office wondering why I have my head in my trash pail.
@TheHonJudgeSmails2: She has to say that; it's in her contract. Don't look at her too closely when she says it, though.
I'm 37, but I do my best to keep my tits out of media jokes. (They do however sometimes end up in the Metropolitan Diary ...)
@Furious_George: Did this all occur at their high school's "Enchantment Under the Sea" dance?
better the mins than the mons though.
@TheHonJudgeSmails2:
Right before they dropped by to tell Romney what a crowd-pleaser "Who Let the Dogs Out" is on the campaign trail.
i read the link. almost puked on my computer. but thank god i didn't b/c i am at work.
There was a young man named Janka
Who gave his thin penis a Yanka
And without a care
Wiped cum in his hair
Which makes him a bit of a Wanker
What, no blumpkin? BO-RING!
WOW I Rate-A-Date them both at F. But I am glad to know that if he ever needs it she will play nurse for him
The only reason the date was five hours long was because he was stuck to the couch.
@SylviaPlathWasFramed: That's okay. I'm in the same boat. Six months and I'm almost not heartbroken every single day.
And you're allowed to complain. That's not just Jez territory. We get that too. Jez just took it to a whole other level. A really high level where the air is thinner. And angrier.
@KarenUhOh: I keep a spatula on hand for just that purpose.
Promosexual is the word of the day.
Is it just me, ore does this guy sound more than a touch mentally ill? If a little kid exhibited half the exhibitionist compulsions he did, sexual abuse would probably be suspected. Paul, tell us about your childhood...
I'm not gonna speak for all the gays, but for certain gays, Mr Janka does have a kind of appeal. I like him because 1) he has what appears to be nice chest hair, 2) he's very lewd and 3) he obviously enjoys things in his anus.
These are the basics for any good gay encounter, so I think there's a lot of potential for a dirty, but satisfying a random internet hookup/bath house type encounter.
@Carol Gardens: maye be a bit early because it's Monday but, COMMIE :)
My vote for Commie of the day goes to KarenUhOh for: The only reason the date was five hours long was because he was stuck to the couch.
@Pope John Peeps II: Hey, thanks. Hope your heart gets healed up--I've actually been broken up for two years and am fine.
But, uh, some advice: In case you guys decide to try to be friends again and you find yourself drunk at his house while he's out smoking, don't under any circumstances sneak a peek his web history unless you want to find out that he's got a pervy profile and a blog about all the gross sex acts he's compulsively performing on desperate strangers.
It will raise some questions.
@sassypants: No shit! She wasn't even on a date with Joe Francis!
TheHonJudgeSmails2: denial is a powerful thing, but it will not make that website we are not naming here go away, nor the fact that one of their editors went on a media joke date with the dude a while ago. that lady, let's call her mae, is on the same payroll as sheila. so for gawker to get all high and mighty about a stunt that their affiliated site pulled first is ever so slightly ridiculous.
@SylviaPlathWasFramed: I'm working on not wanting to tear her skin off with barbecue tongs right now. I think a more realistic goal for both of us is perhaps "not wholly abject, spitting hatred".
But the old "web browser" trick is the new "oh mr. Rochester, I've discovered your mad wife locked up in the attic". It's only a matter of time before you have to burn his house down.
Words failing me.
@SylviaPlathWasFramed: Feeling your pain. My ex not only TOLD me he was on AdultFriendFinder after we split, he also turned up on a dating web site a girlfriend talked me into trying to help me get over him. He found me there and asked me out through the dating site...and joked that it was funny that we couldn't make things work when our profiles showed us as perfect for each other. Left that site then and there. Shudder. Sadly my ex makes Janka look like a gem...a really icky, unwashed gem with mental issues (at least me ex has impeccable hygiene). Excuse me while I go cry now and wonder I attempt to date at all.
@lieschenmueller: I think it's OK for Sheila to get high and mighty about it. If newspapers can run columns by right-wingers and left-wingers on the same op-ed page, surely two writers for a company's two different blogs can have two different opinions about this kinda bullshit.