"WASHINGTON (AP) — It's the government's idea of a really bad day: Washington's Metro trains shut down. Seaport computers in New York go dark. Bloggers reveal locations of railcars with hazardous materials." That's right: bloggers are the new terrorists.
The AP obtained classified government documents detailing mock disasters in the Homeland Security Department's "Cyber Storm" wargame. DHS runs the tests with "with help from the State Department, Pentagon, Justice Department, CIA, National Security Agency and others," in order to make sure all the agencies are prepared for the inevitable blogger war.
The scenarios all sound like rejected plots to potential Die Hard sequels—what if everyone on the No Fly List showed up to airports across the nation all at once! Some of them might have German accents! But the villains aren't limited to campy British character actors: threats include lowly web scriveners "and even reporters." We are the enemy! We're all pawns of mysterious "anti-globalization hackers!"
While these foolish bloggers keep revealing the locations of deadly trains (maybe they have reliable info from Sam Lufti that Britney Spears is aboard?), an unnamed "major news network" refuses to reveal its sources to the government. And then the stock market tumbles and people panic!
But don't worry—it was only a game. Our precious series of tubes was not harmed.
The exercise had no impact on the real Internet. Officials said they were careful to simulate attacks using only isolated computers, working from basement offices at the Secret Service's headquarters in downtown Washington.
A sequel to this hit wargame, Cyber Storm 2, is scheduled to launch on an invite-only basis this March. With time and training, the government may soon be able to assure the nation that it has done everything in its power to permanently secure all America's base.
And hopefully, citizen, you'll think twice before you tumblog sensitive information.