Gawker
Slate's Jack Shafer notices a disturbing trend that has more or less saved the ass of every single Gawker editor ever on slow news days: wacky headlines at CNN.com. The tabloidization of CNN.com has Shafer, well, mildly concerned. All the stories are about babies being mauled by tigers and sex offenders setting kindergarteners on fire! "Nuns-and-nude ad upsets Catholics!" Ladies in peril! "CNN.com's, MSNBC.com's, and Foxnews.com's celebration of and reliance on stories like today's "Human Tongue Accidentally Served Up in Hospital," which are explicitly designed to momentarily rouse and titillate the Web audience, says worlds about how the site thinks of us. Life is a freak show, the Web sites instruct, and we viewers just another bunch of freaks." So true, Jack. Life is a freakshow, and CNN just wants to hand you a free ticket. To illustrate: after the jump, Gawker's vast and rich archive of embarrassing CNN.com screengrabs, available in one place for the very first time. Watch it now!
BONUS WONKETTE HEADLINE:
Comments
That. Was. Awesome.
If mixing rape with romance is wrong, I don't wanna be right. They're my vodka and tonic.
I wanted to click on many of these.
Awesome.
It's bad enough those puppies were frozen, but did they have to be dead?
Larry King in AC 360 with Bat Boy
Hey, what the hell is the matter with baby pandas, huh?
Long live Butterstick!
I want to see a conversation between the six year old boy who talks about books and poop and the smoking raccoon. It would probably go something like this:
Boy: Poop.
Raccoon: [puff]
i just want to meet the person who thought that they COULD go to home depot in space.
@collegecallgirl: See, I knew you enjoyed it.
And from the good folks over at FOX, we have:
Gay Penguin Causes Children To Like Divas, Toolbelts!
Nuclear Options In The War On Christmas!
The Brown Horde Scrubs Your Toilets!
John Edwards' Haircuts And Other Vital Issues Of The Day!
Hillary's Penis Exposed!
Judge Fights Ruling Re: 10 Commandments In Courtroom, Breaks 4 Of Them!
Intelligent Design: Creationism In Prada!
WalMart: The Brooke Astor Of Corporate America!
"Butterstick/Knut: Hornier Than The Av-er-a-ge BEAR...AND PANDA"
Hey, tell me about it - who HASN'T wanted to beat their family to death during the holidays?
@mitchel_stevens:
"Knutterstick"
corrected.
Some of these are out of date. They just opened a Home Depot in the Andromeda Galaxy.
does anyone remember: "Police: Mom says God told her to microwave infant".
Say, what is Joey Buttafuoco up to now?
I'm guessing 240.
[Mumbling apology while leaving office]
sorry, but when it comes to headlines, the story begins and ends with the ny post.
So I could have had a woman beat me off with a gnome? Me and the gnome are fucking exhausted doing this all by our lonesome.
@koala325:
Oh, and I remember the one about a kitchen fire: "Firefighters stop smoking pot"
'woman beats off burglar with gnome.'
kinky.
The nerd in me appreciates your file organizing skills. Great collection of screengrabs.
@JojoSaysNo: d'oh!
I love MadLibs.
Pandademic!
Shatner's kidney stone sold for $25K? I was offered twice that on eBay for Chris Crocker's dignity.
To be fair to CNN (bear with me) the editors have surely been given character count limits for their heds, which makes it hard write stuf net.
Nothing can really forgive what they're choosing to cover, of course (see PGA tour tree-related injuries).
I want to mail these out at random to my favorite writers and cobble together the most random compilation of short stories ever.
Terrific!
I really need to read CNN.com more often.
@scroll_lock: I know some other commenter is reflexively thinking of typing it in response. But do not type it. I will become ENRAGED.
You know what IT is.
and i totally wanna be that fat black bear's trashy meal!
I am just trying to think of what "theme music" they could play for these headlines when they go "on air".
@plutoboy: Tell me about it. Personally I think Pandas! rock. Especially Baby Pandas!
I mean, while all the other headlines may have generated interest, did any of them gnerate the excitment of Baby Pandas!? I think not. Dead Puppies, while interesting (and drug smuggling or frozen i foget which, maybe both) just don't have that same kind of pull Baby Pandas! do. It's just that simple.
@Pope John Peeps II: Wow! I'm really curious what IT is- so many possibilities I'm thinking of.
Oh, please. Late last year, Slate ran the following headline:
"Are Blacks Inferior?"*
*For a story by William Saletan on the racist comments that Watson made. The headline was removed and replaced only after significant protest and it may not be searchable. I'd check for you, but I don't read Slate anymore.
@BinkysDream: Sure, I enjoyed it. You just didn't give me the same thrill as many of my more accomplished rapists.
@scroll_lock: Just keep thinking about Chris Crocker, and you'll know what not to type. It's the only thing possible to type in response to a Crocker reference.
Don't go there though! I just successfully schooled Jezebel, so I'm feeling particularly pointy.
@collegecallgirl: I hear Rhodes Scholars rape the best.
"Giant Lizards Invade Florida"
It's not right to talk about the Giuliani campaign like that.
@Pope John Peeps II: ...in your pants?
(Heeeee! I'm 12.)
@Pope John Peeps II: Ok, I don't want to enrage you so I'll just leave it alone.
@DorothyMantooth: No, silly! Pointy like my head.
"CNN is influential? Meh..."
@scroll_lock: well, it's not really rage. Just a big long exasperated sigh.
@Pope John Peeps II: Did I guess it correctly?
That video of the 19-year-old impregnating the 11-year-old would seem to present certain legal issues, right?
@scroll_lock: I see what you did there! Clever!
@DorothyMantooth: I knew you would!
@Pope John Peeps II: Nickelback?
God, what do they do with the less expensive baby girls in India.
As a Wonkette guest editor, all I see is $12, $12, $12...
"Slate's Jack Shafer notices a disturbing trend that has more or less saved the ass of every single Gawker editor ever on slow news days: wacky headlines at CNN.com."
Ok, I'm sorry, but I had to read that three times before I realized it said "saved" and not "shaved." Jack Shafer shaves your ass? WOW!
Oh lordy - I can't even make it all the way through. I'll bust a gut laughing, and I'm at work.
Books, Love, Armpits and Poop is the title of my memoir, BTW.
I feel like a bad person cause I didn't laugh until "puppies found frozen, dead"
here's another goodie .. albeit from ABC:
ABC NEWS: A Pregnant Man?
[abcnews.go.com]
shouldn't these wacky headlines be collected into an old-fashioned book with a quaint and friendly guide? Why not the smoking raccoon?
It's kind of like one long, pan-species snuff film -- WATCH FREE.