Kirsten Dunst Delivers Herself To Cirque Lodge's Capable Starlet-Drying Hands

Skipping past the block-long line of bottomed-out starlets shivering in their heels as they hoped to gain entrance to Utah's Cirque Lodge, all it took was one weary gaze cast up from beneath a floppy-brimmed hat for the doorman at the hottest rehab facility in the country to unhook the velvet rope from its stanchion and give Kirsten Dunst VIP access. Inside, the Spider-Man series star, for years now dubbed Kirsten Drunkst by an unfeeling tabloid blogging press (curious as to why? This 2005 AskMen.com article, "Why do people call her Kirsten Drunkst?" should answer all your crunk Mary Jane questions) was instantly transported to the Lindsay Lohan Welcome Center and Karaoke Facility for a sparkling cider brunch.

On the way, she inquired of the waiter/actor/orderly piloting her wheelchair which room Eva Mendes was in. Per instruction, he explained that Eva was currently outside in a sheep-wrangling-therapy session, knowing full well that if the actress was told the truth about Mendes's whereabouts—that she had in fact checked out to attend to "some personal business in Los Angeles"—Dunst could easily buckle from the lack of accessible A-list support, leading her to commit Grand Theft Palomino as she hightailed it back to her partygirl comfort zone.