Harvard Offers Paris Hilton Celebutard Emeritus Status

It's truly been a week for healing and personal triumphs for Paris Hilton, who, fresh off her Late Show with David Letterman appearance, in which the talk show host publicly apologized for their last contentious meeting and offered the heiress full access to his Ed Sullivan Theater to plug her various, completely immaterial projects and ventures, was also crowned "woman of the year" yesterday by the Harvard Lampoon. It was an honor she showed up in person to accept, where she gave the Ivy League institution her trademarked, temperature-based papal blessing:

"Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine standing here on the steps of the Harvard Lampoon receiving the woman of the year award," she told the students gathered outside the castle-like, red-brick building that houses the Lampoon.

"You guys are so hot," she added. "Harvard's hot."

The 26-year-old star of the television reality show "The Simple Life" kept the crowd waiting for so long that the head of the student-run magazine had to reassure the students that the event was not a prank.

"All of you can stab me if she doesn't come," Lampoon president Chris Schleicher said wryly. "She's really coming."

To be sure, this award shouldn't be confused with the famous Hasty Pudding Theatricals "Woman of the Year Roast," a far more venerated Harvard tradition that today will celebrate the self-uglifying dramatic accomplishments of Charlize Theron. Rather, it's an entirely new honor, and one that should have those Yalies scrambling to keep up with their rival's visiting celebutard faculty, with calls being placed as we speak to Tara Reid's personal bookings manager to see if she might be interested in being the guest of honor at their 1st Annual Whiffenpoofs Women We Love Festival.