Blue States Lose


It's summer, it's Friday, and the masses have spoken: they want their Blue States Lose. And who are we to deny them? Enjoy your weekly pants-shitting, where we sort through the unshowered hipsters on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. And it's a special edition! After the jump, Joey Arak and Alex Blagg bring the pain. After all this time, Joey is hanging up the headband with this week's list. Wish him well on his road to LES recovery.

10) Last Night's Party. Mothers In Chicago photo #5764: We used to think there was nothing worse than those chicks who are all, "Oh my god you guys, we're just like the girls on Sex and the City!" every time they go out, but we've come to realize that these ladies are far more loathsome because they watch the same show, exude the same desperation, and say the same annoying shit like, "You're totally Samantha!", but they do these things in a jaded and ironic way unique to women with an overpriced education, a growing cocaine addiction and a refusal to wear anything that doesn't come from Anthropologie.

9) The Cobrasnake. Rock On Apple Ron photo #8547: You know how you can start thinking about something, then an hour later you realize you've gone about eight miles down your stream of consciousness? Like looking at hipster photo sites and thinking, "How do these kids do this to themselves?" And your voice of reason is all like, "Duh - because they're retards." But then your mind wanders off to, "How did they become such retards?" After quickly arriving at the obvious answer, "Because they do so many drugs," you're immediately left wondering, "Well how do they do so many drugs without getting caught, and still find the time to take all these pictures?" Sometimes the best way to end this cycle of confusion is for them to just show you.

8) Last Night's Party. Mothers in Chicago photo #5192: We've said it before and we'll say it a million billion trillion more times: The only difference between hipsters partying in downtown clubs and frat guys partying in Cancun is that, in the former case, the debauched antics end up on The Cobrasnake and Last Night's Party, and in the latter case, they end up on a Girls Gone Wild DVD. Looks like those two groups have more than just Wolfmother in common.

7) Last Night's Party. Pre-Lolla photo #4325: As David Cross realized that no amount of hipster cred is worth becoming the bar's leathery old douchebag with too many tattoos and not enough dignity, he turned to the Ghost of Indie Future (AKA his buddy Gavin McInness) and desperately pleaded to be taken back to The Comedy Store at once.

6) Last Night's Party. Mothers In Chicago photo #5681: The Cobradouche and Last Night's Pervy taking a picture of each other simultaneously seems like the equivalent of Marty McFly running into himself when he goes back to the future or whatever. Shouldn't this have resulted in a cataclysmic paradox causing reality itself to spin right off its axis and send all of human consciousness into a discordant maelstrom of Sparks, electroclash and bandanas? Oh shit, the results are even worse than that!

5) Last Night's Party. Mothers in Chicago photo #4925: "HEY! Don't I know you from somewhere? You're, like, that guy from Williamsburg who wears the bandana and has the ironic facial hair and has long, crazy hair, right?"

"Uh...yeah...sure. I can fuck you now, right?"

4) Last Night's Party. Mothers in Chicago photo #5645, photo #5649, photo #5651 and photo #5652: What do you think eventually came first: her lighting that thing up or her putting an end to giving that fucking look? The answer: Al Gore melted the polar ice caps and we all died.

3) Last Night's Party. Pre-Lolla photo #4088: These are the moments we live for: When Steve Aoki rolls his sleeves up and gets down to some serious DJing. Oops. Uh...like we said, these are the moments we live for: When Steve Aoki doesn't bother giving us the courtesy of sleeves and gets down to some serious scratching of a fake record that's really just plugged into a laptop DJ program. Phew, dude needs a breather! Don't worry little guy, it's almost time for nappies.

2) Last Night's Party. Peaks & Valleys photo #9768: Having vanquished Skeletor and restored peace to Eternia yet again, He-Man returned his powers to Greyskull and promised Teela his adventures would bring them back together very soon. Then Prince Adam put on his tunic and set forth into the night, desperately hoping that evil would find him. That evil would find him ... looking so fucking fabulous.

1) Last Night's Party. Mothers in Chicago photo #5613: Jesus and the apostles crossed the Ravine of Cedars, climbed the Mount of Olives, and walked to a place Jesus knew well: a garden known as Gethsemane.

"Wait here," he told the apostles. "I'm going over there to pray. Simon, James, John - you come with me."

As the three of them went with him, Jesus was suddenly almost overwhelmed with grief.

"Oh my soul!" he cried out. "The agony! I don't know whether I can stand it!"

"What is it teacher?" Simon responded. "Is it a vision of imprending doom?"

"Tell me about it!" Jesus said, limp wrist extended. "Have you seen the future of my merchandising? Why not just sell directly to the homeless and crippled while they're at it? Dad damn it, no wonder Islam is gaining. "