The March issue of Men's Journal (not online yet; subscribe, why don't you?) features a cover story on Josh Brolin, the mustachioed leading man who is stalked by Javier Bardem in "No Country For Old Men." As if that wasn't exciting enough, the story is written by child-loving Josh Stein nemesis Neal Pollack! Pollack doesn't get a chance to talk about his kids in the piece, but he does throw in some mentions of Brolin's kids, like this telling, priceless anecdote: "We did this one trip to Scotland. Just me and my kids. We had absolutely no plan...We used to have a running joke where I'd yell, 'Where do you wanna sleep tonight?' and the kids would yell, 'We don't care!'" Hahahahaha! We mention this by way of pointing out that this is potentially the least insightful celebrity profile in any magazine so far in 2008. Brolin picks Pollack up, they get stuck in traffic, they drive to Palmdale, they eat tacos, they go home. This is a completely accurate summary. Judge for yourself by this post-taco excerpt, which is, without exaggeration, the crowning achievement of Pollack's story:
We drove back.
"So, you looking forward to getting home after this?" he asked.
"So you can shit out the stuff we just ate earlier? How you feeling, by the way?"
"I'm looking forward to getting to a bathroom," I said. "Try to save it for the home toilet, not have to pull over in a gas station."
"Oh, you don't want to do that, dude."
Brolin started making diarrhea noises.
"Ahhhh! Plllllllllpppppp! The pain will hit, and you're on your bathroom floor, in a fetal position, can't even make it to the toilet."
"What do you think," he said. "Huh?"
"I don't know. I don't think it's gonna be that bad."
"It might be, though."