The American Family is Under Attack. Homosexuals, liberals, Europeans, celebrities, immigrants—all seek to undermine our nation's moral code. Marriage, parenthood, even chaste teenage courtship are embattled and probably doomed. Movies about children having children out of wedlock, gays trying to marry gays, and wife-stealing media moguls are just symptoms of a deeper moral rot in our culture. Here, we present to you, exclusively, three of the greatest dangers to your family unit that you are sure to face this February—and beyond!
Threat One: World of Warcraft
This time-wasting, life-destroying "massively multiplayer online role-playing game" sucks users in and doesn't let go. Its thousands of players abandon any hope of real social interaction, instead spending their days and Mountain Dew-fueled nights "fighting orcs" or something in an online fantasy world. Thankfully, the vast majority of WoW enthusiasts are unappealing adolescent boys, and their absence from real life affects almost no one. Until now. Because we have seen the future, and it's neglected WoW Orphans. From the "WoW_ladies" livejournal group, via Kottke, gaze in horror at The State Of Our Children:
The problem? We have two small children who need to eat dinner and raids start at 5pm. Ack! How are we going to make dinner?! There are no problems with the kids running around playing and such while we raid. They're already used to that, they play in the computer room and we can get them things that they need (you know, cups of juice, snacks, what have you) when we have breaks. Before it was easy because if I was running an instance and in the middle of combat my husband might be in a a space between pulls where he could safely go afk for 30 seconds you know. But now we'll be on the same schedule essentially. We both play support classes too (he's a holy priest, I'm a resto druid) so the guild ideally would want us to both be in a forty man raid. It's not like we can easily switch off any raid nights other than say, ZG and AQ20 runs.
A generation of neglected, unsocialized feral fatties awaits us.
Threat Two: Lynne Spears, HuffPo, Bonnie Fuller
Yes, parents! Use your unmatched political power to prevent the media from even covering your child during her formative years, instead of forcing her into a show-biz career. Then use said pull to get her into Stanford and eventually swing her a cushy hedge fund gig, once again instead of show business. Then ask her to use her untouchable status to suddenly become a spokeswoman no one can criticize as you campaign to once again rule the nation.
Threat Three: The Gays, Specifically Choire Sicha
Cunning homosexualist Choire Sicha uses his New York Observer column today to actively threaten to personally destroy every marriage he can get his hands on. And he advocates that like-minded anti-social family-hating New Yorkers do the same!
In summation, it's clear. We're all doomed to gay-divorce one of Jamie-Lynn Spears' polygamist fetuses by order of Empress Hillary Clinton.