Britney Spears Still Decades Away From Her 'I Get It!' Moment

One day, probably not any time in the immediate future, we'll look back at the period known as Britney Spears's Turbulent Quarter-Century, and chuckle. A pushing-60 Britney will by then have squandered whatever fortunes she made as an adolescent musical-sex-doll, plus any additional income amassed from her 7-year engagement at Reno's Grand Sierra Indoor Water Park Resort and Casino. That will directly lead her to a stunning rejection of everything that came before:

A return to the land. (Quite literally, as she'd swear off socks and footwear forever, hitchhiking from rest stop to rest stop, occasionally selling Red Bull can-sculptures on the side of the road and posing for photos with excited locals who'd nudge their indifferent children, explaining, "This is that singer I told you about who shaved her head and tried to sell her kids to an Arab prince!") Still, Britney will be happy. Until that epiphanic realization, however, the singer is likely to go on seeking personal fulfillment in all the wrong places—such as blowing $60 mil a year on designer top hats and quickie Mexican weddings to swarthy paparazzos. If life, as it's been said, is a highway, Britney Spears is gonna ride it all night long.