Gawker
When we last checked in on Salon's crazy columnist Cary Tennis, he was angrily telling all his online critics to leave him alone. And he hasn't heard anything from us since! Unfortunately, outside criticism was the only thing keeping Cary tethered to reality. Its absence has him backsliding, as evidenced by his response yesterday to a rich guy asking if he should leave the suburbs because he hates it, even though he has a new, expensive house. What about the commuting situation, and the volatile housing market,and his wife's career? So many factors to consider. Is he being rash? And Cary Tennis replied: Why not move to my imaginary Fantasy Land, instead?
Dear Living the American Dream ...The kind of American dream you are living is the kind you wake up from in cold sweats.
There is another American dream.
It is a dream of wholesale revamping of cities, towns, transit and housing. In this dream, you get up in the morning and shower with solar-heated water and walk down a pleasantly crowded pedestrian way to catch some breakfast at a sunny outdoor cafe and then walk to a well-designed mass transit hub where you catch a fast, comfortable and efficient train to work. Or you work at home, using video hookups when necessary for meetings, transferring digital files at high speed, and when you start to feel isolated and restless you step out of your house to mingle on the street or jog or cycle on a nature path. And maybe you pick some wild watercress on the way and when you get back you make a salad for your wife, who is conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room.
Comments
Sounds like Manhattan.
I've never read this guy's column, but that caricature has always freaked me out. My god, he has giant eyes and x's for eyebrows.
wild watercress, indeed.
You lost me at the watercress.
What he's describing, of course, is the Others' village on "Lost." Damn that Jack!
Pleasantly crowded?
I want to hear more about the iimaginary fantasy wife conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room. How many eager nubile vixens are in the class? What color are the bra straps? Do they nibble the watercress from the hands of the husband? And which Canterbury Tale are we reviewing today exactly?
Umm, i've ready Crazy Cary's column before...I do agree he's stupid and insane, but this is actually not bad for him. Isn't this exactly what's happening to cities right now anyway?
And maybe you pick some wild watercress on the way and when you get back you make a salad for your wife, who is conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room.
"Honey?"
"The hooly martir. . . "
"Honey! I found some wild watercress."
"How wild?"
"I don't know. It's thrashing in the bag."
"That's not watercress. That's a lizard of some kind."
"Holy shit."
This is not servicey: I do believe that suburban living is a form of torture. If you made suspected terrorists live in big suburban houses, they would talk eventually.
The sort of subuurb described is indeed hellish. But then there are places like Long Beach, NY, which is essentially a small city with suburban character on the ocean. Or Huntington, NY, with a thriving art community, jazz clubs, an indie bookstore and seriously fine dining. Such places are there if one knows where to look.
And maybe you pick some wild watercress on the way and when you get back you make a salad for your wife, who is conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room
Wow, Carey. Your dreams are really boring.
Sometimes, Candace and I lie on our mink fur bed, and discuss our favorite magazine articles of the week, our fingers intertwining like vines on a decrepit wall of a haunted castle where children were slain for their pure, white skins.
@BettyCrocker: yes, when I think culture I go straight lawn guyland.
I kinda hate his last name.
We performed surgery on Chaucer in the kitchen. Then we went to Popeye's. In the Hummer.
@hypocriteoath: Massapequa isn't Locust Valley, and Sayville isn't Levittown. What's great about Lawn Guyland is that if you don't like what you see, you can change the scenery completely in about a 10 minute drive.
Then they get in the shower together so he can check out his wife's bath tail.
I apologize.
@BettyCrocker: I do have extensive LI training [thanks lacrosse!] and that. whole. place. is. stinky.
@fiveinchtaint: I totally hate his last name.
@fiveinchtaint: You could always hyphenate.
After the Chaucer seminar, the guy and his wife will argue about who has to walk the dog on the giant treadmill attatched to the side of their house, and then reprimand their robot maid for not doing the dishes well enough.
@CodePink: You know what else I hate? His avatar's eyebrows. And marzipan. And the shirt I'm wearing today.
@fiveinchtaint: I HATE marzipan. And anise. Ugh. What's your shirt? End of the week, nothing left to wear lame-wadness? I actually like my shirt today!
@fiveinchtaint: @CodePink: I hate my shirt and marzipan and anise and his last name and his eyebrows and raw carrots!
@hypocriteoath:
[www.oldwestburygardens.org]
Not stinky.
[www.nassaumuseum.com]
Not close to stinky.
[www.tellerschophouse.com]
Seriously not stinky.
[www.nassaucountyny.gov]
Iz prty gr8, ackshuly.
[www.bistrocitron.com]
FTW!
[www.nybeachhomes.com]
@fiveinchtaint: @CodePink: @mathnet: Welcome to this week's instalment of: Shit We Hate
Raisins or nuts in bread-based food.
@nutmeg: Like Ten-nis? Iz cunfyoozd.
@CodePink: Exactly. Old shirt. Really lame collar. Feels late 90's. Stain on the sleeve. One odd button. Really didn't put in the effort today.
@nutmeg: Yes!! There was a walnut in my brownie once and I literally gagged. Why? Who likes that?
@BettyCrocker:
Like vanilla and lavender:
[www.loving-long-island.com]
@fiveinchtaint: Honestly!
Shit We Hate? Can I play too?
I hate humid weather, coconut, and being hung over.
"your wife, who is conducting a seminar on Chaucer in the living room."
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
@Clare: I love coconut, but I hate applesauce, makes me gag. Also, @fiveinchtaint: my grandma puts walnuts in her chocolate chip cookies, and I hate it! But I love her too much to say anything.
@Clare: I hate the smell of microwave buttered popcorn
@BettyCrocker: sure, there are nice THINGS there and neighborhoods that most people would love to grow old in [not me] but the fact of the matter is that you have to drive through the rest of long island to get anywhere, which is, brutal at best.
The second fact of the matter is that LI is the burbs. or hempstead. it is the beach playground for the rich [not true residents] and an overcrowded, disgusting mix of people who think their poop doesn't stink. it does. Now obviously all of this isn't EXACTLY true and at times overstated and ALL of the people there aren't awful and there are really nice areas but... COME ON! IT'S LONG ISLAND. There are nice parts to Staten Island too but I would never ever want to actually live there. or Westchester County for that matter. There's a lot of nice, but there's a lot of crud and it's not even a CITY!
Cranberry sauce sucks!
@MattGaymon: So did my grandma. Once she made a whole tin of them for me while I was at camp. And I ate every one I didn't share because I just couldn't throw them away. Now I miss her. Sniff.
@mathnet: See, now we're in a fight because cranberry sauce is good. The gelatinous kind in a can and the fancy chunky sauce with orange rind that fancy ladies make--I enjoy them both.
@MattGaymon: @fiveinchtaint: At least your grandmoms cook. Mine doesn't, and she's my only living grandparent. She's selfish and demanding and she'll live to be 120.
@mathnet: The lumpy, whole-berry kind is gross, but I love the jellied kind on a turkey sandwich. Yum.
i luv my grandma 2
mom not so much
@Clare: So we're putting "grandma" under "hate" for you? Cool. Yeah mine's Polish, so I don't like her cookies but damn are her pierogi good.
Fine, but raw carrots still blow. I never know when to stop chewing.
People who stand 2-across on escalators.
Children's renditions of current pop hits.
@sinnesloeschen: so you mean pop hits?
@hypocriteoath: The crud is easily avoided, and as for the people - well, some of them are the crud. They're easily avoided, too. Having done extensive travel around the country, I have to say that the only places I liked as much were coastal Connecticut and Boston.
Other places were pretty, and the people friendly, but they were all too far from the ocean and NYC.
@hypocriteoath:
Two words: Kidz Bop.
I've been reading his column for a few years now, and frankly, it would make more sense if he quoted Wallace Stevens verbatim: "Dear Living the American Dream: Sombre as fir-trees, liquid cats moved in the grass without a sound. They did not know the grass went round. The cats had cats and the grass turned gray. P.S. Remember the cry of the peacock. Kaibai."
@adminslave: Was that last word originally "kthnxbai"? Because that would make sense.