A Farewell To GrazerheadS


[SFX: a PHONE RINGING at Defamer HQ]

Mark: Yeah?
Grazerhead: Hey, buddy.
Mark:: Hi?
Grazerhead: It's Grazerhead!
Mark: Oh! Hi!
Grazerhead: So...big day, huh?
Mark: Yeah, I suppose it is. [a deep, soul-weary sigh.] I suppose it is.

Grazerhead: So what's up next?
Mark: You know, a little of this, a little—
Grazerhead: That's great, just great. So listen. Did you get that totally yum basket of Mrs. Sprinkles red velvet cupcakes I sent over?
Mark: Let me look...so many baskets... Nope.
Grazerhead: WHAT THE FUCK? I told my assistant's headshot to MAKE FUCKING SURE THAT GOT DONE. You really can't count on anybody in this town, you know? What am I supposed to do, personally keep track of every goddamn basket of fucking baked goods I need sent out? I am very fucking busy GlamourShot™!
Mark:: Really, it's totally unnecessary.
Grazerhead: [yelling slightly muffled by a hand loosely placed over a receiver]: Bethany! You are so fucking fired—no, check that, you're DEAD and BURIED in the DESERT— if that guy at Defamer's face isn't fucking covered in sticky, delicious red-velvet residue in the next twenty minutes! I don't care if it's breakfast time! DO IT NOW NOW NOW! Sorry. Still there?
Mark: Always.
Grazerhead: Look, let me make it up to you. My cultural attaché is putting together a thinktank with a photo of Stephen Hawking, a watercolor portrait of J.D., and a doodle of Albert Einstein's brain I made on a yellow pad. Let's get you in there, too. It'll be great networking.
Mark: I'm flattered. Really flattered. But I'm going to have to pass.
Grazerhead: You're kidding. Dude, we can get a bronze bust of Russell Crowe in there too, no problem, if you want more star power.
Mark: I can't. Listen, this is a little awkward, but as long as I have you on the phone, I might as well tell you...
Grazerhead: OK?
Mark: I have to retire you today.
Grazerhead: [a beat.] OK...
Mark: It's nothing personal. It's just time.
Grazerhead: But I got you this for your last day:


Mark: Um. Wow. You really did your research. [a beat] Still...we have to do it. It's time.
Grazerhead: I'm not the kind of idealized representation of an already-handsome guy to take no for an answer, you know.
Mark: I am well aware.
Grazerhead: If I have to have someone break into your home and leave framed versions of me all over the place to remind you of What. A. Huge. Mistake. You're making. every day for the rest of your life, I will.
Mark: We all do what we have to do.
Grazerhead: Fine! Fine.
Mark:: Come on...
Grazerhead:: OK, OK. Promise me one thing, though. You're not going to let them swap me out for that awful wire photo I replaced back in summer '06, are you? I'd like to get out of this with some dignity.
Mark: Of course I won't. I'd never let them do that to you.
Grazerhead: Then I guess this is goodbye.
Mark:: I guess so.
Grazerhead:: See you at the thinktank?
Mark: Have your people call my people.
Grazerhead:: Will do.
[He hangs up.]
Mark: Grazerhead, I'm going to miss you most of all.