Is there any mid-February tradition more cherished than the announcement of the Dancing with the Stars cast? These dozen brave, ballroom soldiers—of wildly varying Q-ratings and coordination skills—are plucked from every conceivable branch of celebrity, thrown into chest-bearing vests and horrifying baby doll dresses, and shuffled onto a well-greased dance floor. And it's all for America's perverse, compound-fracture-curious pleasures. Revealed last night on Dance War: The Chatterbox Gaytalian Strikes Back, and repeated again this morning on GMA, the sixth season brings Dancing a higher caliber of "star" than ever:
We are most excited about Steve Guttenberg's involvement, whose stream-of-batshit-consciousness ramblings in recent years suggest to us that the rapidly unraveling '80s screen titan will lend an element of must-see-insanity to the proceedings. Hairspray star Marissa Jaret Winokur has also signed on, with many pinning their hopes on the plus-sized firecracker to finally integrate America's last segregated reality show. In the role of Most Inspiring Absence formerly occupied by Heather Mills's left leg, we have Oscar-winner Marlee Matlin's hearing. Penn Jillette, Priscilla Presley, Adam Carolla, Shannon Elizabeth, Monica Seles, Cristian De La Fuente, Kristi Yamaguchi, Miami Dolphin Jason Taylor, and someone named Mario (not Lopez, we think; he already had his chance) round out the group.