Last night on Conan, Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange showed us exactly why he's become one of the most reliably effed up talk show guests to come down the pike in a long while. After making fun of previous guest Randy Jackson, Artie proceeded to explain why he's called in sick to the Stern show for the past few days. Here's a hint: he ran out of cocaine!

Artie then launched into drug-fueled monologue that left Conan awkwardly trapped like a deer in the headlights. And when the red-headed host tried to steer the conversation into more television-friendly waters, Lange still couldn't resist giving a shout-out to "tight joints" and crystal meth. There haven't been this many hardcore drug references on TV since H.R. Puffnstuff. We'd suggest that Artie check himself into rehab pronto if he weren't so darn funny this way. All hail the white Tracy Morgan.