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Sad news for any schadenfreude addicts out there, but there was nary a swan head nor a peek of butt floss out to be seen on the carpet last night. Instead, we saw 80s-esque gold glitter fiascos (Faye Dunaway), billowy black muumuus (Ellen Page) and particularly poor choices in fabric, especially for a former stripper (Diablo!). While there aren't any oh-no-she-didn't moments, we were disappointed in several of the carpet walkers this evening:

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7. Ellen Page: On the biggest night of her short career, we're happy she didn't go with jeans, but couldn't she have gone one step up on the glamour meter?

6. Jennifer Hudson: Not quite as bad as last year's python-y jacket combo, but can't she keep those funbags from attacking us on sight?

5. Marlee Matlin: Just eh, you know? Stiff tube dress in black and white? Go for pizazz to match the personality!

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4. Diablo Cody: Oh dear. The diamond collar, the leopard print, the visible tattoos. Kudos for daring Academy members to Take Notice and all, but an animal print dress will always be an animal print dress: tackiness exemplified.

3. Sissy Spacek: Sissy isn't yet old enough to require Oprah-esque jacket cover-ups. We suspect those arms of hers are toned enough to show off.

2. Tilda Swinton: Like Cate Blanchett, Tilda likes taking fashion risks. But a velvety black curtain paired with barely-there makeup? New addition to the Addams Family.

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1. Faye Dunaway: Reminiscent of Cher and Barbara Streisand at their most bizarre, we at least give her credit for not flashing her tush.